Not religion-related. Feel free to skip.
My friends fall into three different categories: 1. Childhood/Teenager 2. Friends from old churches 3. New friends made in town via BumbleBFF, Reddit, or connections My oldest friend has been my friend for 30 years. We virtually grew up together and our mothers were best friends. At one point she moved away, but we eventually reconnected when she moved back to my state. We talk regularly via messenger, video chat, and on the phone. I see her in-person about once every 2-3 months. She's also a LOT. Extroverted to the max, loud, obnoxious, likes to get drunk, super dramatic and in your face about everything. Honestly, if we had not met each other as children I would never be friends with her as an adult. At all. She's not a bad person as much as majorly traumatized and in need of some serious therapy. If there isn't drama happening in her life, she has a tendency to create some. She's always on the outs with someone. Her co-workers at her last job hated her because she is in your face and rude. They kept trying to find ways to fire her, but couldn't because (despite her personality) she did her job well and perfectly. They took to just excluding her all the time in hopes that she would quit, which she did. From my friend's perspective, they were all just being horrible people who didn't like her working style. But anyone who listened to her stories and knows this woman, knows right away what is happening. You have to take some of her stories with a grain of salt because she blows things out of proportion all the time or worse, creates the drama herself and gets upset at the backlash. She goes through friends like water. The few who have withstood the test of time are either just as in-your-face as she is or so chill that they just don't give a fuck. She's always left me out of the drama and I just assumed it was because she didn't want to ruin our friendship and knew I wouldn't put up with it. I was wrong. This woman tells me on Friday that she doesn't like that I am not asking her more questions about her pregnancy, responding to messages too slowly, and that I change the subject to me all the time. Firstly, texts and messenger aren't real conversation to me. They are blips of information sent back and forth. Sometimes I respond and sometimes I don't. I'm busy. You want to chat with me and talk about the things that are important to you? Let's schedule a time to chat virtually, on the phone, or in-person. I am most definitely an in-person talker. You would think my friend of 30 years would know this. But no, she's upset about me sending a GIF rather than asking questions about her gender reveal party and pregnancy. A gender reveal party that I wasn't invited to by the way. She wanted me to be excited and ask her questions about a gender reveal party I wasn't invited to! She kept saying that it seems like I don't care because I'm not asking these questions via chat. Here's the thing, in the past, I never had to ask her questions because she was happy to info dump and provide me with answers before I even thought to ask them. I've never needed to play the 20 question game with her because she was so open and told me everything. That's been the dynamic for our entire adult life. From my perspective, it seems like what she is really upset about is that I am not asking a million questions about her new pregnancy and wants me to react in a very particular way and within a certain time frame. Me not seeing her message for four days was unacceptable, even though I told her I was taking time off and unplugging. I'm been questioning myself all weekend about this. It is true that I am not a big question asker. It feels invasive in many ways and I don't want people to feel like I am quizzing them about their lives. If you want to give me information, I'm all ears. If I change the subject, I am not doing so because I don't care, but because I had something on my mind too. I am happy to return to whatever subject someone wants to talk about. Do I care about her pregnancy? No. But not because of her. I don't care about anyone's pregnancy. I am actually icked out by pregnancy in general, so no....I'm not going to ask you questions about blood draws (I have a real phobia of needles) or your birth plans or anything. I have never in my life touched another human's pregnant belly. I don't care what people name their children or when the due date is. It's information, but that's all. When I ask (almost always in person) it is because that is the social norm. There was a second issue that came up though, which was that she feels like a deeper friendship requires confrontation. That this was an important issue to address because she thought it would deepen our friendship as she was sharing a "hard truth" with me. However, when I didn't respond in the way she wanted, she got upset and accused me of conflict avoidance. The issue is that I see zero point in her telling me any of this besides creating drama. Clearly, I am a friend who cares, I've shown that I care in numerous ways over the past 30 years. You know me and know what I am like. If this is a perceived personality flaw, bringing it to the forefront and confronting me on it isn't going to be taken well. Especially because this could have been brought up a decade or two ago, but you only chose to address it now that I didn't respond to your gender reveal the way you wanted me to. I feel manipulated and dragged into a drama shitstorm that I would be happy to stay out of. Also, this has done the opposite of deepening our friendship. I don't want to remain friends with someone who creates drama at every turn. I don't want a deeper friendship with someone so volatile. I have so much shit going on in my life and I do not need one more blessed thing to make it more stressful. I don't have space to go deeper with someone like her. I just can't. Here's the one thing I'll bend on: Yes, I probably am avoiding talking about things that I think will bring conflict. Because I don't want or need conflict in my life. I am avoiding confronting her on issues because I don't want to be unkind, I've accepted that this is who she is, and I don't think anything will change if I did address something. So she isn't wrong that I am avoiding conflict and for her, that means that we will never be deeper friends. So be it.
0 Comments
For those have stumbled upon this post and don't feel like reading through all the posts...here's a recap of me deconstruction journey: I grew up in an Evangelical Pentecostal Charismatic church. My entire childhood was spent in the church and I was a firm believer in the things my parents taught. From ages 17-32, I slowly began distancing myself from the crazier Evangelical teachings, but was still firmly a believer. I went on missions trips, volunteered regularly, prayed daily, read the Bible, and was part of a small group. And then, around the age of 33, as I was reading a book on ancient history, it occurred to me that the Bible just wasn't lining up with historical record. I decided to re-read the Bible for a fourth time, but this time I was open an honest about what didn't make sense and sought answers that extended beyond church teachings. I was an atheist by Judges. When I told my husband, he did not handle things well. At all. He accused me of tricking him into marrying him, claiming I lied about being a Christian to get him to marry me. You name the logical fallacy that religious people use to demoralize and demonize non-religious people, and he used it. It was so extremely hurtful and it took us years to reach a point where I could even bring up something about religion without him getting super defensive. This time last year he told me that he would never forgive me for hurting him and that I deeply wounded him. Since I did nothing wrong, I informed him I didn't need his forgiveness and the wound was unintentional. Nevermind, I had apologized for not telling him when I was beginning to have doubts.
All of this is important backstory for the newest revelations. This fall, my husband kept talking about love. How our modern idea of love and monogamy is unrealistic. That the reason people cheat is because we didn't evolve to be monogamous. None of this is a new conversation in our home and I agree that humans have a bad habit of putting rules on sexuality and marriage, to the detriment of everyone. We also agree that there is no such thing as soul mates and that we could make a marriage work with a lot of people. Not everyone obviously, but if I didn't have my husband...I'm sure I would have found someone else eventually. My husband takes this a bit further by telling me that he can't quit loving people. That he still loves his first wife and all his ex-girlfriends. He cares deeply for them and only wants good things for them and would have no problem going back to them if they wanted to. This talk began to get a bit weird though. It came up more frequently. He would rant about it when no one was talking about it. At the same time, he also announced that he didn't want to be a grumpy old man (something he had been turning into) and he was going to make more of an effort to visit and make friends, to be more affectionate with me, and leave the house more often. These two things definitely felt related at the time and I began to seriously wonder if he was cheating or planning on cheating on me. I felt like I was being set up to agree with him so that he felt justified in cheating. So I finally asked him flat out if that was what was happening. And that's when he opened up and admitted that he was..... polyamorous. Not cheating. He wasn't even thinking of cheating. He's not even considering a poly relationship. But he knew he was this way and had already read some literature about polyamory as a sexual orientation. And he was angry. He was angry at me because he felt like I got to change the parameters of our relationship (become an atheist) and he was certain that he couldn't even say out loud this thing that he was. So for eight years now he has carried around this bitterness and resentment towards me because he firmly believed I wouldn't be okay with it. And so his reaction to my coming out as an atheist, was directly related to that resentment as he felt like I got to change and he couldn't. I don't know if I would have been okay with this eight years ago. What I do know is that I actually don't have a problem with it now. Polyamory is not promiscuity. It literally means many loves. And I would rather my husband be open and honest about his love for others than to go behind my back and cheat on me. I accept that this is how he is because he has been telling me in so many ways that this is how he is from the beginning. Several things have come out of this now: 1. He has apologized profusely for not accepting me when I told him I didn't believe anymore. He said he knew he was wrong, but felt so resentful that he couldn't bring himself to forgive me. 2. He said that me accepting him for who he is has lifted an incredible weight from him. I have seen become a happier and healthier person. He is more present and more affectionate. 3. He also told me flat out that my reaction to him made him realize that he was not as good of a person as he thought he was. That I truly am the better spouse here, because not only did I stick with him when he was treating me badly for my revelation....but I also accepted his revelation with kindness, love, and grace. 4. We started going to couples counseling to walk through this minefield. 5. He has signed up for a meet-up group that is specifically a support group and made it clear the group is not a dating group. He's already making new friends. 6. Our relationship feels more solid than ever. I feel secure in his love for me. I don't know what the next steps are for us. But I am glad that I finally asked the question and glad that he felt comfortable enough to finally speak up. Religious me would never have been okay with this. I know that. Our religious families would not be okay with it. That's something we are choosing not to tell them currently. If we do need to address this, we'll do so carefully and with a lot of solid boundaries. After all, it's our relationship, not theirs. We're still not sure if we should tell our kids. I think one out of four would be okay with it. The only people that matter in this relationship is us...and any other paramores and metamores. Yesterday I went to an old friend's wedding. While we have kept in touch, I haven't seen her in years, so I was quite honored to be invited to her small wedding. There were maybe 55 people there. We hugged long and hard when we did finally see each other and she introduced herself to everyone as her "childhood best friend." This one is a long story so bless you if you stick it out. I promise, it is juicy.
My Little Friend The backstory is this: I met Marie when she was 14. Up until then her life had been pretty rough. Her mom had been in and out of prison and suffered serious mental health issues. Marie's step-dad was a drug addict and provided drugs for her mom, which just made her mental health worse. When she was younger she had to live with various relatives while her mom was in jail, but mom always got her back for better or worse. When someone invited her to our church, she was received with open arms. I am five years older than her and embraced her like a little sister. We had a wide network of friends who ranged in age and the older people in the group acted as friends and mentors in all the best ways. Eventually, we all discovered this youth group at another church that was open to youth from anywhere. Our friend group grew larger. We were all very very active in the church. I started dating one of the musicians in the band. Marie volunteered for anything and everything, eventually reaching the point where the youth pastor was allowing her to preach occasionally. Our churches were both charismatic and evangelical, open to demonstrative worship, and Marie was in it. She would dance without abandon as the music played. She fit right in. When she was sixteen, Marie had two seizures and ended up in the hospital. They said it was due to stress, but no one called CPS to find out why a 16yo would have stress-induced seizures. On the day she was released from the hospital, I got a panicked phone call with Marie sobbing. "Can you please come pick me up?" I rushed out of work screaming about an emergency. When I got there, Marie was outside sobbing. Her mom was having a full-blown episode and had thrown Marie across the room for asking her not to smoke weed since they still weren't sure what had caused the seizures. I told Marie to go pack her things then told her mother, kindly and firmly that I was taking her daughter to come live with me and I wasn't bringing her back. Marie lived with me for the next 6 months and only returned once her mother was stable. Flirting with Lesbianism When Marie was 17, I started to hear rumors about her palling around with a girl who was known to be "flirting with lesbianism." Poor kid was missionary kid whose family was forced from the mission field when she was found with another girl. Marie, unknown to me at the time, was a lesbian and had found a small group of girls in the youth group who felt the same way. Marie's gaydar was and always has been amazing. I didn't care if she was gay. While my religion had taught me that being gay was wrong, Marie was my friend and I felt nothing but love for her. Eventually, they were caught. Their super religious parents all freaked out. Missionary girl was sent to one of those camps for wayward teens. Another girl was banned from speaking to Marie and the parents switched churches. The youth pastor and the church lost their goddamn minds. They had a serious "talk" with Marie, basically telling her that she needed to quit being a lesbian or she would be kicked out. The youth pastor started changing the rules for the youth group as a knee-jerk reaction to the Marie "situation." The things that Marie liked to wear were suddenly banned. Girls and boys, even same sex, were not allowed to be in groups of two. Older youth group volunteers (like me) were instructed to stand around inside and outside and look for any trouble. Confrontation When it was clear that Marie did not think being a lesbian was a sin and she had no intention of turning from that path, they had a big get together. I was not invited as I was just a volunteer and not a member of the church. Not only did they vote to ban her, but they also voted to shun her. Yes, you read that right. Shun her. They told all the members as well as all the teens who went to that church that they were not to "break bread" with Marie. They were not to hang out with her, talk to her, or communicate. They went as far as to say that if you bumped into Marie at a coffee shop, you were to turn your back on her. When I found this out, I was furious. I don't think I can describe how absolutely furious I was. I left Marie at my house and drove to the church. I walked straight into the youth pastor's office and told him off. I don't remember everything that I said, but I do remember telling him what they were doing was unChristlike, that they were destroying any chance of her even wanting to return to the church, and it was needlessly cruel. There were curse words, something that I rarely used at the time. My friends who refused who come over to my house because Marie was there were instantly cut off. I got in arguments and fights with people and told them flat out how wrong they were and how absolutely awful this church was for doing this. I chose Marie. I chose to love her whether I agreed or disagreed with her choices. I helped her move into her dorm room. I went to her rugby games. When she started drinking excessively and was booted from university, I encouraged her to get help. This girl had a lot of darkness in her and I couldn't really blame her for trying to forget. Our paths diverged at that point. Not because I didn't want to see her but because 1) I get really uncomfortable around drunk people 2) I was still sorting out how I felt about being gay and 3) I moved to another state and any visits home didn't include 4 1/2 hour road trips. For the record, a few people did eventually come around and apologize to her. But to this day there are still people who refuse to speak with her if they were to bump into her at a coffee shop. In my mind, those people are committing a far greater sin than anything she ever did. Watching from Afar But I kept my eye on her, reached out every now and then with a how's it going. I watched her go from a hurt and lost girl to a confident woman. And I always carried this guilt that I didn't do enough. That despite all my support, my religiosity got in the way of my support. That I had held back in giving more support because I was uncomfortable with her being a lesbian, which I was in the beginning. That's not how Marie saw it though. At the wedding yesterday as we were both about to do a karaoke version of Don't Rain on My Parade together, Marie asks the DJ to pause the music for a moment. This is paraphrased of course, but this was basically what she said. "Everyone. Hold on a moment everyone. I want to introduce you all to [my childhood best friend]. Many of you know the story of when I first came out. You've all heard about how important that was to me and how hard it was when everyone turned their back on me. Everyone, but this woman right here. This woman stood by me. Unwaveringly. I had never heard her a say a single curse word, but she said so many on my behalf. She went and told the pastor off. She lost friends because of me and did so happily. When everything was falling apart, she was there for me. She taught me what a badass looks like. How it may be hard to go against the flow, but when it is important, it is worth it. She helped shape me into the woman I am today. I don't even know if I would be here right now without her." My internal struggles aside, standing by my friend mattered. It mattered to the person who mattered the most here. She finished with, "I am so honored that she came to my wedding." And I said into the microphone, "And I was honored to be invited. Now let's sing!" In Conclusion She didn't have to say any of that of course and I was a bit uncomfortable with the attention, after all, we were there to celebrate her and her new wife. But I was also honored. She didn't speak out about anyone else like that. It also made me realize that in a way, Marie was basically my first foster kid. Honestly, we probably should have called CPS and taken her in as a kinship placement, but we didn't know. At least that way she could have gotten some mental health support much earlier. It also made me think about how I have always been, even at 19, a fierce advocate for the people in my life. Fuck all of those people who allowed a church to convince them to cut someone off for "sinning." That's cult level shit. And I don't put up with people who hurt the people I love. For those who end up reaching a point in my life where I genuinely love and care for them, I am a force to be reckoned with. My support and love is unwavering. I hope I get to see Marie a bit more often and I was glad to be there with her as she moved into this new phase of her life as a married woman and mom (step mom) to two girls. It has been a pleasure to watch her grow and fly. I don't know who to share this with and since this blog has remained blissfully anonymous for years now, I guess I will share it here.
The other day I was working on our garage, clearing out, organizing, and redistributing the mess. We need to be able to park both cars in the garage again, but still want room to work out so...it's a process. My husband is a bit of a keeper and has an entire box full of memorabilia. He actually had two boxes, but I managed to get it all into one box. It includes some old VHS tapes, photos, journals, stuff from a previous career, martial arts equipment, stickers, and pamphlets from vacations. Honestly, 60% of it belongs in a scrapbook. Curious, I flipped through the photos and papers. That's when I ran across my first surprise. My husband told me a decade ago that he didn't really have or keep photos of his ex girlfriends or ex wife. This was not true. There were a ton of photos of them. Now, I am not the jealous type and he clearly never looks at them, but it was a lie to tell me he had nothing. Second lie was that all his exes were ugly and fat. Again, completely untrue. Although some were a bit rounder than others, there was a mixture of body shapes and I wouldn't call any of these women unattractive. Why did he lie about that? What was the point? We can add it to the lie by omission in which he told me he only went on one date with his best girl friend, but it turns out they dated and slept together. I only learned of this a year ago. He swears he told me and I call absolute bullshit on that. He did not and, in fact, she and him both worked very hard to convince me that they had never been more than a casual date or two.
Now, I am aware that some of these "transgressions" and self-loathing were brought on by a lot of religious guilt. Maybe he wasn't truly an alcoholic, but rather the child of a southern Baptist minister who was anti-alcohol so any kind of drinking was seen as bad. That I can understand. There was a list in there of things he hates and, at 24, it is clear that he was not done growing up. He included tomatoes and spiders. This same man 20 years later, carried a spider outside so it wouldn't die and eats tomatoes on his tacos. Raw. So, I'm trying to look at this through that lens. These are the thoughts of a young man who was still trying to figure things out. I am not an idiot though. These are also things that he didn't tell me and I do think he intentionally omitted or flat out lied about. I'm not going to confront him on it. Firstly, because that would mean admitting that I invaded his privacy. Second, this truly is all in the past. While, I may have an issue with his drinking, that can be addressed with his current behavior. No need to bring up what happened in the past. It does mean I trust him a little less now. I don't expect to know everything about someone's past, but the idea that you would mislead me about what your exes looked like or not tell the entire truth about why your first marriage failed, is definitely a trust issue for me. It doesn't matter if he has their pictures. It matters that he thought he needed to lie in order to...make me feel better? Hide their beauty? Make them seem less important or make me feel prettier? I don't know.
I am working on being better at networking. As such I connected recently with a woman who runs writing courses and who may be interested in partnering with me for editorial work. We are virtually strangers at this point, and while I start with a neutral trust meter, I am still cautious. In my mind this is very business related, so imagine my surprise when she wanted to discuss religion.
Of course, like many people I run into, the extremes of the religion I grew up in were shocking to this person who grew up in a Jewish home. Her family was religious, but not extreme in their beliefs and certainly nowhere on the same level as an Evangelical Pentecostal family. I told her that over time I slowly came to realize that I just didn't believe in a lot of the things I had been taught. I tried to keep things vague because I am not out to convert/deconvert anyone. There is little point to trying to tell someone all the reasons why I have deconverted. That was not enough for her though. She started to prod. But surely you believe in a god? No? Again, another vague answer about how I believe that we find our own purpose and if there is a divine being, I don't think that creature really cares about us. It was at this point that she asks if she can tell me a story. Ya'll, I had my own person Tim Minchin/Sam Thank You God moment. This woman tells me some story about a strange growth on her neck. It had appeared a few weeks ago and was pressing on her vocal chords, causing speech issues. She and her doctors were very concerned. Then, the night before her MRI, she read this book about prayer that told her that she was just praying wrong. That if she wanted healing, she needed to pray for mercy. So she prayed for mercy and when she woke up the next morning, the lump was miraculously gone. Nothing showed up in the MRI. The doctor said, since it went away so quickly and nothing was showing up, it was most likely a swollen lymph node or a goiter and they have been known to go away. But obviously, she is convinced that because she prayed this new way, that was the reason it went away. And she is telling me this story because she is hoping it will convince me of what? Healing? A god? The power of prayer? So let's break it down. My first thought was, okay...so the reason people all over the world aren't getting miraculously healed from things is because they are praying wrong? What kind of capricious god squabbles over the semantics of how a prayer was prayed? And why did that god refuse to leave clear instructions in at least one of the holy books so that everyone would know how to pray? Why did he wait ti reveal himself to some tree hugging spiritualist who lives in Nevada (I looked the book up)? So you are telling me that there is a deity out there with the power to heal things, like lumps in someone's neck, but only if they pray a particular way? And even if there was a god who was doing these things, how do you know it is your god? How do you know that the creature who answered your prayer was the one you were praying to and that it is benevolent? Past that, I am not remotely convinced that the reason this thing went away is because she prayed. Correlation does not equal causation. Since she didn't know what the thing was before the MRI and it disappeared before more tests could be run, it's not like there is proof that this was cancer for instance and it was magically healed. However, the doctor, while a little miffed by how quickly it cleared up, also had a good guess as to what the condition was and there is documentation of these things going away overnight. So again, we aren't really in miracle territory here. At best, we are in, that's-a-mystery territory. And finally...why her? If this was a healing, then why in the hell does this creature keep picking middle class white women with health insurance to heal. If this deity was benevolent, shouldn't it be focusing on those who have little chance of being helped? The mother of five kids in Sudan who is trying to protect her family from starvation? The child with cancer living in a poor town in Haiti? And the whole time she is telling me this shit of a miracle story, I just kept hearing Tim Minchin's song in my head. Do I believe that she had some kind of growth or goiter? Yes, I do. Do I believe it went away overnight? Absolutely. Do I think it is because she prayed in a special new way and this is why it happened? Not remotely. Do I think it was because of a god and was supernatural? Absolutely not. Nothing about this story is supernatural and there are very reasonable, logical explanations. The most I will say is, isn't the human body do weird and interesting? Why are Christians so confused?
Because I like to listen, watch, and read information that spans all kinds of thought and philosophies, YouTube is a bit confused on what to recommend to me. Is she a Christian watching Atheist content or an Atheist watching Christian content? So I end up clicking on things sometimes that I definitely disagree with. Recently a video was in my recommends about why people are leaving the faith. As you would expect from those who are still religious, it is full of misunderstandings and assertions about those who no longer consider themselves Christians.
Apparently, according to Sean McDowell and Alisa Childers, people are leaving the faith because they do not fundamentally understand that they are sinners in need of a savior. Until people can come to God admitting how broken they are, they will struggle to find a need for God. This really irked me, enough to write about it obviously. Because here is the truth. Even when I was a Christian, this idea that we are all horrible despicable sinners who deserve eternal torment for the crime of being born a human, didn't make sense to me. I was told that normal human things, like having a libido, wearing clothing that kept me cool in the summer, white lies, talking about other people, or even eating too much were things I needed saving from. No one mentioned that there are psychological reasons why people do these things, some are developmentally appropriate, and some are not unethical when done in a way that doesn't hurt people. As a teenager, I was fairly well-behaved. I spent the vast majority of my time at church, practicing my violin, and reading. I didn't even read "bad" things. I didn't get into trouble, to this day I still don't know where to buy drugs, and I didn't drink a drop of alcohol until I was legally able to. My life as a teenager was anything but sinful and yet I was told from every corner of my life that I was in fact, a sinner. That by merely being born, this so-called loving God saw me as nothing more than torture fodder. I struggled with this idea even then. What was I doing that made me so bad? Perhaps if I had one of those testimonies about being rescued from a life of drug addiction or was a mean person who bullied and partied all the time. But I wasn't that person, had never been that person, and never became that person. My "sins" were normal human behavior and the more I learned about psychology the more certain I was that the things I was feeling and thinking were normal and even healthy. In other words...I don't need a savior because there is nothing I need to be saved or rescued from. This is hard for Christians who have allowed their self-esteem to be defined by the ideas behind original sin and the necessity for a "savior". They will say, what do you mean you don't need a savior? You curse don't you? What about lying? What about being cruel to something? We've all done sinful things. Except I don't consider those things sins. Despite your religious holy book, I don't actually see those things as objectively wrong. Lying can be bad...sometimes. Sometimes it is necessary. Bot talking being someone's back sounds very righteous, but the truth is, we humans discuss people who aren't in our current in-group. Unless you are doing it in a way that will hurt them or someone else, I don't think it is unethical. So why don't these deconverted people see that they are sinners who need saving? Because we didn't need a savior in the first place. What's the heart of the question?
Sean McDowell did something called an atheist role play where he pretends to be an atheist. Finding the real issue of why people leave their faith is his goal. He uses the example of a young man, just turned 18, who said he wants to just have fun and this is the reason for him leaving the faith and being an atheist. While I seriously doubt if that story is even true, I would also posit that none of the people I have ever met who have left the faith, did so because they just wanted to have fun. That is a lie that the churches and church leaders like to tell, because it makes it look like people are leaving the church for "sinful" or selfish reasons. It leaves no room for actual deep thought or understanding. Sean McDowell believes people are leaving because we are teaching that the gospel should be fun and wonderful and then when things don't work out, that's why people leave. They leave because being a Christian is supposed to be hard and imperfect and they should expect nothing but that and shouldn't be upset when Christianity and God don't help them when they are going through crisis or transitions.
To be honest, this sounds like the gaslighting that comes from an abusive spouse. Hey, I know you are being treated badly and I've made sure that everyone hates you, but you shouldn't divorce me because you promised in sickness and in health and this is just the sickness part. But let's be honest....is this the reason people are leaving Christianity? Because being a Christian is so hard? Fuck no. When I was a Christian it wasn't that hard to be one. I live in America. No one was persecuting me. I live a luxurious life compared to most people in the world. My church had too much money and resources. Some of them had the love your neighbor part down. I left because the historicity of the Bible doesn't hold water. Some leave because the God of the Bible is quite evil and only those indoctrinated into this bullshit believe something different. He also says that this is truly the world that people want. Because we have heroes in our stories, people deep down know that they need a savior because you can seen the savior story in the stories we tell. Yeah, but what are you saying we need saved from? Sin? I don't think that people's souls need saved from anything. Ultimately, these people are just belittling the journey that people have gone on when they deconstruct their faith. Are there young people who just abandon their religion when they head off to college. Yeah, of course. They are growing, questioning, and still a part of group think. I would say many of them didn't deconvert, simply set aside regular church attendance in exchange for having fun with their friends. I don't see anything wrong with this. But it doesn't take into account the scores of people who have read all the books, the Bible, talked to their pastors, visited other churches, sought answers. It doesn't take into account the study of archaeology, history, the making of the Bible, science, demographics, psychology, sociology. In the end, these people are just like all the other Christians who just don't get it. They aren't right about why people are doing it, which means they patronize those who are questioning. Because they are sooooo sure they are right, they assume that if you were just open-minded enough, you would come back to the fold. I think the message of Jesus is okay. Not great, but not terrible. But he believed in Noah's Flood and Moses, both of which didn't happen, so that tells me that if he exists he was just a man of his time. Who knows why he did it, or if he even said the things that are attributed to him. I think a lot of the gospels were created by followers with clear agendas long after he died, but I see no reason to worship this long-dead person. Christians don't worship other gods for similar reasons. You would think they would kind of understand why someone may not be interested in worshipping theirs. "Your mother is a bit worried about your soul," says my sister-in-law during one of our conversations, half laughing. I pause. What do I say. My brother and SIL have been really good for the past year or so. Lots of good positive change. But do I trust them enough to tell them I am an atheist now? Ultimate answer...no. "Well," I reply. "I tell people now that my spiritual life is something that is private. I don't really talk about that with people anymore." My SIL agrees with this and says that my mom thinks that anyone who doesn't agree with her and her viewpoints isn't a Christian anymore. This is true, although obviously her suspicions are correct. I am an atheist. And honestly, I've been dropping hints here and there for nearly seven years now. I thought for a while there that she wasn't ever going to catch on. I wondered how truly clueless was this woman. But I'm glad to see she isn't completely braindead in this area. She has picked up on the fact that I'm not believing the same things as her and may even not believe at all. Big bonus points to the fact that she hasn't said anything to me. Maybe there is hope there. My family isn't really the confrontational type. Not in an unhealthy way, but more in a they-mind-their-own-business kind of way. So it's possible that even if someone told them, they wouldn't say anything to me about it. Obviously my mother is telling other people though. It was a year ago when my friend D's mother said that she didn't want D to talk to me about her (the mother) because she didn't think I was "walking with the Lord.". I figured she must have been talking to my mother because I never talk to her so how else would she know that? Part of me is glad my mother kind of suspects. Another part of me is pissed because let's be really honest here....NOTHING has changed about me except that I don't go to church. I am the same person. I still care deeply for others, volunteer, foster kids, have a good marriage, visit family (pre-Covid), enjoy life, etc. There is literally nothing different about my life now except that I don't go to church. My views on politics started shifting away from hers when I was in my teens. We haven't agreed on things like abortion, women's rights, freedom of religion, etc. in two decades, long before I quit going to church. I was a progressive Christian long ago. So it is clear to me that her suspicions center around church attendance, which is some fucked up bullshit if you ask me. It's been a hot minute. Nearly a year since my last post. This is mostly because a lot of the quandaries I had about my atheism and religion have, more or less, rectified themselves. I am no longer constantly at war within myself, nor do I find the need to be at war with others. I have accepted religion as an inevitability of a sentient species looking for answers. I also accept that some people will never accept a fact or answer that is contrary to their own worldview. I would say that Covid has shone a light on religious extremism...except it really hasn't. My religious friends and family are a mixed bag when it comes to the coronavirus. My extremely religious right-wing Trump supporting in-laws have been very strictly quarantining since March. It's the one thing they don't seem to agree with Trump on, which is interesting, although not enough for me to get into an actual discussion about. My parents think it is absolutely real and dangerous...just not as dangerous as the (evil, left-wing) media says. And every time they go somewhere and don't get sick, they see this is more justification for their belief. See, we went on a vacation to Florida and didn't get Covid therefore all people should just go on vacations wherever they want because it's not that big of a deal. For us, coronavirus has been utterly isolating. March 13, we accepted a foster care placement of two teenage sisters. Both are fantastic girls, but obviously they were instantly cut off from all their friends and safe family, which made it seem like we were cutting them off. It took a while for them to understand that. Two days later all school was cancelled for our county. Four days later we went into lockdown. And we are still there. At first, my husband was the one who went to the grocery store (literally the only place we went for three months) because we believed I was more at-risk as an asthmatic. When new studies came out showing that the worst co-morbidity was diabetes and that asthmatics actually are less suseptible then first thought, I became the point-person. (husband has Type 2 diabetes) And it has been that way ever since. We have expanded a little bit of our shopping, but other than the grocery store there are literally only five places I have been inside in the past 7 months. (Target, Michael's, Total Wine, Comic Book store, and At Home store) Both my husband and I work from home. We haven't been affected financially. But we have been affected socially. It turns out I am not the kind of person who sets up Zoom parties or Netflix watch parties or plans virtual book clubs. It seems none of my friends are those kind of people either. In fact, it turns out that most of my friends are selfish assholes who just decided after a few weeks that they were too....something...to really quarantine. Even the ones who believe it is real and dangerous. One friend told me that she is just too much of an extrovert and she would go crazy if she was forced to quarantine any longer. This same friend ended up getting Covid, gave it to several other people, and doesn't seem to feel bad about this at all. She also went to Wal-mart while actively symptomatic and it was at this point I began to distance myself from her. That's some seriously selfish bullshit right there and the reason me and you (at least here in the US) are still locked down. Fuck her. Really, this whole thing has made me reevaluate my friendships. I'm letting some go, accepting that these people, while good friends to me...are not in fact, good people. Life is short. Do I want to surround myself with people who don't care if they get other people sick? Do I want to regularly bare my soul to a person who has decided their need for human interaction is more important than human life? Realizing that all your close friends and family and a bunch of selfish fuckwads has been hard. I've begun reaching out to people further afield, old friends who I haven't seen as much for whatever reason. People who I know are taking things seriously. That's been...okay. Of course, seven months in, even those people are getting a bit lax, which is scary. One sent me a message the other day that she and her husband had a Covid scare because she's been more lax and it scared her straight. And she told me that we are doing the right thing, which really felt good, because everyone else I know has been treating us like we are stupid for being so strict. Because honestly, losing some of the people in my life to Covid would be terrible. And I don't know how I would feel about losing them even if it was due to their own stupidity. Although, it would be worse to lose them because of someone else's stupidity. I also started looking for friends on Bumble BFF. I put in my profile that only people who are taking Covid seriously, need contact me. Out of that I have made one actual friend and we have been socially distance visiting and doing outdoor activities like hiking and cycling. But I miss my family. I miss my nieces and nephews. I miss going to Food Truck Rodeos, the art museum, concerts, comedy shows, musicals, the science museum, zoo, putt putt, mountains, beach, bookstores, clothes shopping, restaurants. All of it. I had to get off social media because people posting pictures of themselves going on vacation and doing activities in the middle of a pandemic, was making me extremely anxious and a bit angry. I can't get mad at you if I don't know what you are up to, is my new motto. I hate talking on the phone to my mom now because it feels like every time we talk she is trying to invite herself over, which makes me very uncomfortable. I find myself cutting out more and more people because my nerves simply can't take it anymore, which make me feel even more isolated. Not to mention the people in my home are starting to get stir crazy too, which is not awesome because I find myself avoiding them when they are being grumpy, going and doing my own thing in order to avoid their attitudes. Some of this is teenagers, but some of it is Covid. I mean, we own 130+ board games and I'm lucky if I can convince one person in my house to play a game once a week. This makes me feel even more isolated. It would be different if these people were at least trying to be connected, but it often feels like I am the one who is doing all the reaching out. In fact, that's how it feels with almost everyone. They just wait for me to call them. Well, I'm done being that person. I'd rather be lonely than go chasing people to be my friend. And I would rather only have one or two friends that take Covid seriously, then the current batch who doesn't give a shit. A common thread that I see on Reddit are exchristians asking what they can do to pursuade their families that being an unbeliever isn't bad. Or combatting some of the crazy shit their families say on a regular basis. One of the interesting things about being an in-the-closet-atheist is that I can still say things to my family about religion and they think I am coming from a place of belief. It allows me to get in there and really confront their beliefs. However, I have been challenging some of the things my parents/family believe for well over two decades now. Some of it was innocent questioning as a teenager, but some was a clear deviation from my parents own belief system. I was reading my Bible and I simply didn't agree with some of the things I was being taught. I am going to go over a few of these things and how I combated them, using their own Bible as my source of enlightenment. Christians find it very difficult to argue with the Bible.
Demonic Possession What I was taught: Anyone can be possessed at any time. Sinning can leave you open to the devil and his minions (demons) to come inside you. Doing things that are considered demonic like Ouija boards, watching horror films, celebrating Halloween, sharing ghost stories, or worshipping idols would leave you particularly vulnerable to their attacks. We must anoint the house with oil in order to protect ourselves and be careful not to make friends with people who don't "speak to our spirits" because that is the Holy Ghost warning you that there is a demon nearby. How I combated it: When a person becomes a Christian, they are "bought by the blood of the lamb". Like the Israelites in Egypt, this serves as a protection from eternal death and damnation as well as from Satan and his temptations. Jesus paid that price and now you, the believer are protected. There is not a single place in a the Bible where a true-believer (more on that in a minute) was ever possessed by a demon. Never in the New Testament did a single epistle warn believers about the possibility of being possessed. Converts are never instructed to cast out demons from either believers or unbelievers. Jesus and his apostles were the only ones to cast out demons and in every instance the demon-possessed people were unbelievers. 2 Corinthians 6:15-16 even says that it would be impossible for the Holy Spirit and a demon to reside inside one person. Colossians 1:13 says that conversion delivers you from darkness. Romans 8:37 states that Christ conquered all. 1 Corinthians 15:57 says God already gave believers victory over Satan. 2 Corinthians 2:14 and 1 John 2:13 says the same. With all this overwhelming "evidence", it is safe to say that true believers don't need to worry about demon possession. Of course, Christians will get around this one by saying that a person showing "signs" of demon possession just aren't true believers. The No True Scotsman fallacy at its finest. That's not the point here though. The point is that all these Christians going around freaking out about demons have absolutely nothing to worry about based off their own holy book. Results: After directly confronting my parents about this, both agreed that scripture did not back up some of the more superstitious beliefs they were being taught in the church. My mother quit anointing the house with oil and slowly but surely the talk of demons entering the house and us went away. I haven't heard my mom talk about it in years. They still believe in temptation, but gone is the demon talk. Miracles What I was taught: If you pray hard enough and enough people get on board, God will reach down his hand and perform a miracle because he loves you. If he doesn't heal you it's because he has something special planned for your life and apparently that something special requires you to be sick, hurt, disabled or dying. If the miracle doesn't happen it's because you didn't believe hard enough. How I combated it: The point of miracles in the Bible seems to be for the sole purpose of showing that God is authority and authenticating those that God has chosen. Regular people did not perform miracles and that power appears to have only been bestowed on a handful of people and in direct obedience to command from God. In the New Testament, the apostles were bestowed with this power from Jesus. The miracles of Jesus were considered "signs" to show that Jesus was, at the very least appointed by God and/or was God himself. Eventually 70 of Jesus' disciples, post-death, were given the ability to perform miracles. These miracles were used to serve the purpose of creating more converts. John 14:12 states rather vaguely that those who believe in Christ will do greater works, but it isn't clear what that means. My challenge to the Christians in my life was, what do they equate as miraculous healing? I do not consider someone who has been under a doctor's care for cancer and receiving medical treatment as something miraculous. Anyone, Christian or not can get that treatment and possibly have the same results. I also don't believe someone who says their foot hurt and it just magically got better because they have zero evidence and expect me to take their word for it. Nevermind that for the past 2,000 years billions of people have died, some in truly horrific ways, and they often equate the fact that they managed to survive despite all odds as a sign of the miraculous. Your entire village was burned to the ground by marauders, but you survived? It's a miracle! You're house was destroyed in a fire, but your Bible managed to survive? It's a miracle. Your entire city was destroyed with flooding, but your whole family managed to survive (while others didn't)? It's a miracle. Like the 5 people who managed to survive the Trade Towers collapse because they happened to be in just the right part of a stairwell that didn't fall. In the documentary I watched, they claimed this was a miracle, ignoring the fact that close to two thousands other people literally died around them. They try to find meaning within this, some belief that God spared them for a reason. It would actually make God kinder if you believed that he wasn't over there picking who would live and die. Because that means he didn't pick the 2,753 other people were slated with death for whatever reason. It seems to me that by the Biblical standards, miracles are not everyday occurrences and used specifically for the purposes of conversion. Results: It has been years since anyone has offered to pray for me or over me. I see their shit on social media, but people know where I stand and no longer talk about it around me. Talking Animals What I was taught: Because the snake talked in the garden, animals used to be able to talk. It is clear that animals could talk because Eve wasn't scared when the snake started talking to her. It was Adam and Eve's "sin" in the garden that stopped animals talking. And when necessary, God could give animals that ability back to the animals. How I combated it: None of this is Biblical. Revelations 12:7-9 specifically states that the original serpent from the Adam and Eve story was in fact Satan. Satan spoke to Eve and was crafty in the way it was done, speaking through a snake. This does not mean that all the animals were able to talk, just because Eve wasn't freaked out. She was kind of new around town. It's not like she knew all the rules. In Numbers 22:28 with Balaam's donkey, the donkey did not actually say words, but rather Jehovah used the donkey like a ventriloquist's dummy. Jehovah was the one speaking, not the donkey. For those who aren't Biblical literalists, this one is an easy one. The Adam & Eve story is purely mythical. There just wasn't a talking snake. The story of Balam's donkey was a miracle, not a sign that all animals have the ability of speech. Results: My parents did NOT like this one as much because my dad really likes the idea that animals could talk. But he also couldn't deny that it was all conjecture and not actually scriptural. Speaking in Tongues What I was taught: Speaking in tongues is the physical manifestation of the Holy Spirit moving within you. If you are a believer and are regularly communing with God, eventually God will send his Holy Spirit down and you will speak in this special language. This language is a real language that someone, somewhere actually spoke. For example: You may be speaking Ancient Sanscit, because God can make you speak those languages. If you speak up loudly while speaking in this language, God will provide a translation through another person in the congregation. This may take a little while though, because not everyone is open to speaking up in church. If you are not willing to speak up, you should still speak in tongues, but quietly to yourself. After all, this is your special language from God. How I combated it: Firstly, it is clear in the early uses of tongues in the Bible that tongues was people speaking human languages that were known to the people they were preaching, but they themselves had never studied. For example: A apostle speaking Greek fluently in order to preach the gospel, even though he had never studied Greek or only knew a little. This was supposed to be a miracle. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 14:27 that speaking in tongues was supposed to be done one at a time (definitely not a thing in my church where everyone shouted on top of one another) and that there were only specific people with the gift of interpretation (1 Corinthians 14:5, 13, 27). Again, they were speaking a REAL language. Tongues wasn't a private prayer language, but rather a spiritual gift meant to help preach the gospel. Paul also says in 1 Corinthians 13:8, that tongues will cease permanently. Some people like to interpret that this is referring to after the second coming, but there is little evidence of that based on the original language it was written in. Tongues were a sign to unbelievers that the Messiah had in fact come. It was a transition between New and Old Covenants. One the new church was established, tongues was no longer necessary. Important note: After 1 Corinthians, tongues is never referred to again. The early church considered it obsolete and early writings from the church made it clear that they believed it to be something that was only to help build the original church. For centuries, those who did claim to speak in tongues, still used it as a miracle explanation. They would claim to speak French for example in order to gain new converts. It wasn't until the late 19th century that some cult-like groups began using tongues in the way that modern-day churches try to use them. Results: I told my parents that I no longer speak in tongues, because I firmly believe it to be glossolalia, where I was attempting to mimic the sounds of words. I've never had an interpretation to anything I have said, mostly because I believe I was speaking gibberish. My mother downright refused to believe this, but also didn't have much of a comeback besides, "Well, I've felt the Holy Spirit move so I know it's true." I told her that wasn't good enough because all those people before said the same stuff and we know that when people get in groups that there is something akin to mass hysteria where people are convinced they are seeing and doing things that aren't really happening. My dad later admitted that he is often skeptical of interpretations because they are always vague and it's weird that they always started with, "Thus sayeth the Lord..." As if we live in 1650 and God speaks KJV. Being Chosen (aka Calvinists) What I was taught: God knows all of our choices. He knows who will and won't be Christian. And he chooses who he wants to be in heaven. If he doesn't call you, then you just aren't in the club. It's not really your fault even, because God purposefully didn't pick you. The only reason you witness to other people is so that the people God did pick can meet their destiny and become the Christian that God intended them to be. Everyone else is a lost cause. Disclaimer: I was not raised Calvinist, but rather starting attending a youth group in my late teens that was. How I combatted it: Firstly, this does not align with the teachings of Jesus who says in John 3:16, that he came to save the world and whoever believes in him will be saved. Jesus also states that no one will come to him without being drawn, but in John 12:32 it becomes clear that Jesus ascending into heaven IS the draw. By him going up into the sky, all men can have the opportunity to believe in him. 2 Peter 3:8–9 says that God doesn't want anyone to perish and Titus 2:11 states that the gospel is available for all men. The counter from Calvinists is that God’s omniscience means that he has already predestined things. Where this comes from is a misunderstanding of scripture that points to there being a plan in place for Jesus to be the sacrificed for the whole world from the beginning of time and for those who believe in Him to be saved as part of the plan. Results: My parents were actually appalled by this line of thinking and had never considered this type of theology before. After explaining Calvinism to my mom, she said that she would never serve a God who willfully chose to send people to hell, no matter the reason. For her, (even though this is still an appalling line of thought), having that choice is what makes the whole salvation story work. Non-Christians Can't Be Good or Joyful People What I was taught: Even when people do "good" things, if they aren't Christians, it is done from a broken place. Christians will always be better because our motivations are better because God told us to do them. Nevermind, that non-Christians can never be truly happy or joyful, so they will never experience the true joy that comes from God. Their brokenness as non-believers means they can never be good or happy. How I combated it: I can't believe I actually bought into this lie for as long as I did. Because the world is full of non-Christians who do good things, enjoy their lives, and are in most respects--happy. What does the Bible have to say about this? Nehemiah 8:10 says the Joy of the Lord is my strength, although this is a statement about the current situation having to do with Israel returning to Judah to rebuild the city and temple after a very hard time. An interesting statement, but not a universal one. One of the fruits of the spirit is supposed to be Joy, suggesting that if you are a good Christian, you should be joyful. An interesting sentiment, but nowhere in there does it suggest that non-believers can't have one. Most of what I see about Joy in the Bible just references that people will find more joy within their belief. Not that people outside the religion can't be joyful. In fact, out of the 100 references to joy in the English Bible, only one (1 Timoyhy 6:17) could be twisted to say that those who are of the "world" don't have the same kind of joy as a Christian would. But other than that, there is not a single scripture that says that joyfulness is only for believers of Christ. Christians can find joy in Christ, but there is no mention of a monopoly on happiness. Goodness becomes a little trickier because the Bible does make allusions to Christians being righteous and good and basically better then other people because of it. This goes back to the Old Testament too as the Israelites considered themselves blessed by Yahweh and therefore better then the people around them. Here's the thing about Christian "goodness" though. The Bible states very specifically that salvation and the goodness that comes from salvation is not something a person can earn themselves and is not something they should be boasting about. Ephesians 2:8-9 states that specifically. Matthew 6:1 warns people to not display their righteousness in front of others. Hebrews 13:16 says that doing good and sharing with others is pleasing to God. There is no caveat as to the person having to be religious in order to do so. James 4:17 even states that it is a sin to not to the right thing, but again there is no caveat that only the religious are capable of doing these works. I would even posit that some non-believers show more fruits of the spirit and goodness then some believers, based purely off how the Bible defines joy and goodness. Results: Christians do not like to be told that they are just like non-believers. That want to believe that by their salvation they are somehow set apart, more righteous, more joyful, more good then everyone else. Some may concede that this goodness is not because of anything they have done, but simultaneously believe that their salvation intrinsically makes them good. If you try to point out fallen leaders or the fact that many churches do little for the poor in their communities, they'll be quick to use the 'No True Scotsman' fallacy. After all....a true Christian would never do...that. Praying for Material Things What I was taught: Give us this day our daily bread. Ask and you will receive. You receive not because you ask not. Ask and it will be given to you. If you believe you will receive. These were all scriptures that were repeatedly thrown around. It's become even more common these days with the prosperity gospel. Basically, I was taught that you should pray for everything because God wants to bless his people. This ranged from praying for healing to needing money to pay the bills to wanting a new job that paid more. How I combated it: Back in 2000, I was working at Border Books and Music. A book called the Prayer of Jabez showed up on the bookshelves and Christian readers ate that shit up. We sold hundreds of copies of this tiny book. I kind of believe that this was part of the beginning of the modern prosperity doctrine movement. Basically, Dr. Bruce Wilkinson takes readers through 1 Chronicles 4:10 to discover how the reader can release God's miraculous power and experience the blessing God longs to give to his followers. There is one huge problem with this book and this type of teaching--God only seems to care for a select few of his followers. At the same time this book came out thousands of people all over the world who claim Christ as their savior, experienced homelessness, starvation, murder, rape, extreme poverty, sex trafficking, illness, and all the other terrible injustices in our world. The famine in Ethiopia, a predominantly Christian country, lasted from 1998-2000. You don't think those parents prayed for daily bread as they watched their children starve to death anyway? This idea that if we pray for things God will miraculously give them to us because we deserve them as Christians, is a very western idea that comes from a place of extreme privilege. The hubris it takes to believe that you are not just special, but deserving of all the things you ask for simply because you believe in a god is ridiculous. Results: I remember my mother finding $60 in the washer one time and she got so excited because she believed that God had miraculously given her $60 and it had just magically appeared in our washer. Of course, when she brought this up over dinner, I politely informed her that this was MY $60 that had been in the pocket of one of my jeans and I would like it back please. Did she stop believing in this bullshit? No. Not even a little bit. But I keep pointing it out anytime someone brings this up. What makes you more deserving of that money than the mother in Ethiopia? Why would God make sure your electric bill was paid, but ignore the prayers of a man whose children are starving to death? What makes you so goddamn special. They rarely have an answer for it other than...you guessed it...God works in mysterious ways. Not really a mystery here though. Church Attendance What I was taught: We attend church because the Bible says that we should not forsake the fellowship of other believers. We attend several times a week because each service is unique in their approaches. Sunday school on Sunday morning followed by morning service which is more for "the masses". Sunday evening service is more relaxed and treated like a longer Bible Study. (these days this would be a small group) Wednesday night service is to replenish the believer mid-way through the week. Service is more focused on worship. Some churches will have youth group on Wednesday nights. Friday nights are special prayer or worship services, usually under the guise of a ministry or special guest. Yes, you read that right. From the age of 4-17, I attended church 3-5 times a week not including revivals which were usually every night for a week or two. My parents were active in the church on the worship team, children's church, youth ministry, VBS, etc. When we went on vacations, my parents would drag us to some random church in whatever town or city we were in. It was awkward to explain to people that no, we didn't live here and we would probably never come back. My parents just thought that attending church was so important, that we couldn't even take a break during vacation. How I combated it: At 17, I ended up leaving my parents church. At first, I continued doing all the things my parents had done. I attended several days a week and was actively involved. (To be clear, until the day I left the church 7 years ago, I was always actively involved in the church.) But I also started to think about how much time had been robbed from my family because of church. We spent the vast majority of our Sunday at the church. We didn't get to have family breakfasts or go on day trips or visit with friends. I also pointed out to people that whether one goes to church or not, the state of your salvation is not at stake. People agreed, and yet the pressure to go was there. Results: By the time I was 21, I was down to one or two services a week and my parents were grappling with the heavy toll all this church attendance had taken on our family. When my dad was passed over as worship leader, despite spending years giving to the church, it became clear to him that none of his sacrifice had meant anything to the people in charge. He was just another guy who could play guitar. If he hadn't done it, someone else would have. He told me once that he absolutely regretted the years of service he put into the church and sees now how it took away his time with his family. I mean, our family lost years to the church. And I can't tell you how much I would have loved to have two parents who weren't exhausted all the time and more worried about their church attendance then the time they spent with their children. These days, my parents can go weeks without going to church. And my dad especially prioritizes family time over the church. Church Membership What I was taught: If you are a true believer and are attending a church regularly, you should become a member of a church. This is a contract between you and the church stating that you will obey their rules, tithe your money to them, and when you do things they disagree with, be disciplined by them. If you are a part of denomination, that membership can be moved to another church but only with permission, otherwise you are stuck and can't become a member somewhere else. Some churches want you to be a member before you can start volunteering to do things with the church as they want to make sure that you are truly aligned with their church and its teachings. How I combated it: Show me one scripture verse where it says you have to be a member of a church. Also, who keeps track of this shit? I have attended and been a member of several churches. No one called the other ones (or even asked where I used to attend) to make sure I had been a good member. If there is actual documentation, I've never seen it. It isn't legally binding in any way. As for the volunteering thing, what kind of lunatic organization would refuse to accept volunteers for events based solely on whether you are a member or not. I've volunteered for numerous organizations and, at most, I've signed a waiver saying I won't sue them if I get hurt. I've never been required to donate 10% of my money to them, agree with all their tenants of faith, or agree to be disciplined by them if I do something they don't like. They can ask me not to volunteer anymore, but I don't have to sign anything. Results: My parents have not been a member of a church in 20 years. Even the churches they were fully behind and liked, they have not signed anything. Anytime the subject has come up, I just shake my head sadly and state how unBiblical that is. They agree. Part of my job as an editor requires me to read books that aren't always my cup of tea. For example, a book on China's globalization strategies is certainly not the gripping read I would choose for myself. However, I get paid money and thus, I read anything that is put in front of me.
This week I got to read a young woman's memoir on her sexual exploits and general sluttiness. I don't use that term slut lightly. In fact, it's a term I have been taught never to use. But this woman happily takes up the moniker and seems blissful in its use. She quit counting sexual partners at 75. This number seems absolutely crazy to me, not just because of my repressed religious upbringing, but because it IS absolutely nuts. Most were one-night-stands although several were repeats over a period of years. On top of the constant Tinder hook-ups, there was also copious amounts of sexting and a few dates that never led to sex for whatever reasons. Who has time for all this? As I read, I realized that while I would choose to play board games, read, write, go to a museum, watch a movie, paint miniatures, or play violin...this woman is simply using her free time to have sex. When she is bored, she hops on Tinder and finds someone to hook up with. Lunch sex, dinner sex, late night sex, bar hookups. When she is traveling, part of the adventure of a new place is seeing what the local sex cuisine is like. Again, not what I would do, but then, she probably would think my life is super boring and definitely sexually repressed. I appreciate how matter-of-fact she is. That she never says anything against anyone who lives their life differently. She is unapologetic in her sexual exploits, but makes no judgment concerning others. In a way, this was a refreshing view of sex. I was taught all my life that sex always had an emotional attachment to it. That you couldn't help but develop feelings for the person you were intimate with. This woman proves that wrong. Although she had feelings for some of the men she encountered, very few of them did she care about on any emotional level. It was a bit of fun. Her version of a rousing board game night. She talks about how nice it is to have early evening sex and then go out by herself for dinner and to read. It literally meant nothing more than a good time. Sometimes the encounters were obviously less than optimal. And she's a bit of a hypocrite at times. Like the time she had an evening with a banker off Tinder who didn't even remember her the next week when looking for another one-night-fling. This really bothered her, that he didn't recognize her and the evening meant nothing. Yet, she admits that she doesn't remember all her sexual encounters and some of them were too blasse to even write about. If that is the case then you wonder how many people she has mistakenly not recognized on the street after a sexual encounter or who she tried to have sex with again through Tinder or Pure, without realizing that she already had. If sexuality was a pendulum, I feel like this woman's story would be at the complete opposite of the arc from mine. Virgin bride with only one partner on one side. Self-proclaimed slut who, even though she has a fiancee now, will never be monogamous on the other. Honestly, I think there is problem a much healthier version in the middle. |
AuthorThis is a personal, but secret, blog archiving my deconversion from a Christian to a non-believer. Archives
December 2020
Categories |