It's been a hot minute. Nearly a year since my last post. This is mostly because a lot of the quandaries I had about my atheism and religion have, more or less, rectified themselves. I am no longer constantly at war within myself, nor do I find the need to be at war with others. I have accepted religion as an inevitability of a sentient species looking for answers. I also accept that some people will never accept a fact or answer that is contrary to their own worldview. I would say that Covid has shone a light on religious extremism...except it really hasn't. My religious friends and family are a mixed bag when it comes to the coronavirus. My extremely religious right-wing Trump supporting in-laws have been very strictly quarantining since March. It's the one thing they don't seem to agree with Trump on, which is interesting, although not enough for me to get into an actual discussion about. My parents think it is absolutely real and dangerous...just not as dangerous as the (evil, left-wing) media says. And every time they go somewhere and don't get sick, they see this is more justification for their belief. See, we went on a vacation to Florida and didn't get Covid therefore all people should just go on vacations wherever they want because it's not that big of a deal. For us, coronavirus has been utterly isolating. March 13, we accepted a foster care placement of two teenage sisters. Both are fantastic girls, but obviously they were instantly cut off from all their friends and safe family, which made it seem like we were cutting them off. It took a while for them to understand that. Two days later all school was cancelled for our county. Four days later we went into lockdown. And we are still there. At first, my husband was the one who went to the grocery store (literally the only place we went for three months) because we believed I was more at-risk as an asthmatic. When new studies came out showing that the worst co-morbidity was diabetes and that asthmatics actually are less suseptible then first thought, I became the point-person. (husband has Type 2 diabetes) And it has been that way ever since. We have expanded a little bit of our shopping, but other than the grocery store there are literally only five places I have been inside in the past 7 months. (Target, Michael's, Total Wine, Comic Book store, and At Home store) Both my husband and I work from home. We haven't been affected financially. But we have been affected socially. It turns out I am not the kind of person who sets up Zoom parties or Netflix watch parties or plans virtual book clubs. It seems none of my friends are those kind of people either. In fact, it turns out that most of my friends are selfish assholes who just decided after a few weeks that they were too....something...to really quarantine. Even the ones who believe it is real and dangerous. One friend told me that she is just too much of an extrovert and she would go crazy if she was forced to quarantine any longer. This same friend ended up getting Covid, gave it to several other people, and doesn't seem to feel bad about this at all. She also went to Wal-mart while actively symptomatic and it was at this point I began to distance myself from her. That's some seriously selfish bullshit right there and the reason me and you (at least here in the US) are still locked down. Fuck her. Really, this whole thing has made me reevaluate my friendships. I'm letting some go, accepting that these people, while good friends to me...are not in fact, good people. Life is short. Do I want to surround myself with people who don't care if they get other people sick? Do I want to regularly bare my soul to a person who has decided their need for human interaction is more important than human life? Realizing that all your close friends and family and a bunch of selfish fuckwads has been hard. I've begun reaching out to people further afield, old friends who I haven't seen as much for whatever reason. People who I know are taking things seriously. That's been...okay. Of course, seven months in, even those people are getting a bit lax, which is scary. One sent me a message the other day that she and her husband had a Covid scare because she's been more lax and it scared her straight. And she told me that we are doing the right thing, which really felt good, because everyone else I know has been treating us like we are stupid for being so strict. Because honestly, losing some of the people in my life to Covid would be terrible. And I don't know how I would feel about losing them even if it was due to their own stupidity. Although, it would be worse to lose them because of someone else's stupidity. I also started looking for friends on Bumble BFF. I put in my profile that only people who are taking Covid seriously, need contact me. Out of that I have made one actual friend and we have been socially distance visiting and doing outdoor activities like hiking and cycling. But I miss my family. I miss my nieces and nephews. I miss going to Food Truck Rodeos, the art museum, concerts, comedy shows, musicals, the science museum, zoo, putt putt, mountains, beach, bookstores, clothes shopping, restaurants. All of it. I had to get off social media because people posting pictures of themselves going on vacation and doing activities in the middle of a pandemic, was making me extremely anxious and a bit angry. I can't get mad at you if I don't know what you are up to, is my new motto. I hate talking on the phone to my mom now because it feels like every time we talk she is trying to invite herself over, which makes me very uncomfortable. I find myself cutting out more and more people because my nerves simply can't take it anymore, which make me feel even more isolated. Not to mention the people in my home are starting to get stir crazy too, which is not awesome because I find myself avoiding them when they are being grumpy, going and doing my own thing in order to avoid their attitudes. Some of this is teenagers, but some of it is Covid. I mean, we own 130+ board games and I'm lucky if I can convince one person in my house to play a game once a week. This makes me feel even more isolated. It would be different if these people were at least trying to be connected, but it often feels like I am the one who is doing all the reaching out. In fact, that's how it feels with almost everyone. They just wait for me to call them. Well, I'm done being that person. I'd rather be lonely than go chasing people to be my friend. And I would rather only have one or two friends that take Covid seriously, then the current batch who doesn't give a shit.
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AuthorThis is a personal, but secret, blog archiving my deconversion from a Christian to a non-believer. Archives
December 2020
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