I don't know who to share this with and since this blog has remained blissfully anonymous for years now, I guess I will share it here.
The other day I was working on our garage, clearing out, organizing, and redistributing the mess. We need to be able to park both cars in the garage again, but still want room to work out so...it's a process. My husband is a bit of a keeper and has an entire box full of memorabilia. He actually had two boxes, but I managed to get it all into one box. It includes some old VHS tapes, photos, journals, stuff from a previous career, martial arts equipment, stickers, and pamphlets from vacations. Honestly, 60% of it belongs in a scrapbook. Curious, I flipped through the photos and papers. That's when I ran across my first surprise. My husband told me a decade ago that he didn't really have or keep photos of his ex girlfriends or ex wife. This was not true. There were a ton of photos of them. Now, I am not the jealous type and he clearly never looks at them, but it was a lie to tell me he had nothing. Second lie was that all his exes were ugly and fat. Again, completely untrue. Although some were a bit rounder than others, there was a mixture of body shapes and I wouldn't call any of these women unattractive. Why did he lie about that? What was the point? We can add it to the lie by omission in which he told me he only went on one date with his best girl friend, but it turns out they dated and slept together. I only learned of this a year ago. He swears he told me and I call absolute bullshit on that. He did not and, in fact, she and him both worked very hard to convince me that they had never been more than a casual date or two.
Now, I am aware that some of these "transgressions" and self-loathing were brought on by a lot of religious guilt. Maybe he wasn't truly an alcoholic, but rather the child of a southern Baptist minister who was anti-alcohol so any kind of drinking was seen as bad. That I can understand. There was a list in there of things he hates and, at 24, it is clear that he was not done growing up. He included tomatoes and spiders. This same man 20 years later, carried a spider outside so it wouldn't die and eats tomatoes on his tacos. Raw. So, I'm trying to look at this through that lens. These are the thoughts of a young man who was still trying to figure things out. I am not an idiot though. These are also things that he didn't tell me and I do think he intentionally omitted or flat out lied about. I'm not going to confront him on it. Firstly, because that would mean admitting that I invaded his privacy. Second, this truly is all in the past. While, I may have an issue with his drinking, that can be addressed with his current behavior. No need to bring up what happened in the past. It does mean I trust him a little less now. I don't expect to know everything about someone's past, but the idea that you would mislead me about what your exes looked like or not tell the entire truth about why your first marriage failed, is definitely a trust issue for me. It doesn't matter if he has their pictures. It matters that he thought he needed to lie in order to...make me feel better? Hide their beauty? Make them seem less important or make me feel prettier? I don't know.
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AuthorThis is a personal, but secret, blog archiving my deconversion from a Christian to a non-believer. Archives
December 2020
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