Yesterday I went to an old friend's wedding. While we have kept in touch, I haven't seen her in years, so I was quite honored to be invited to her small wedding. There were maybe 55 people there. We hugged long and hard when we did finally see each other and she introduced herself to everyone as her "childhood best friend." This one is a long story so bless you if you stick it out. I promise, it is juicy.
My Little Friend The backstory is this: I met Marie when she was 14. Up until then her life had been pretty rough. Her mom had been in and out of prison and suffered serious mental health issues. Marie's step-dad was a drug addict and provided drugs for her mom, which just made her mental health worse. When she was younger she had to live with various relatives while her mom was in jail, but mom always got her back for better or worse. When someone invited her to our church, she was received with open arms. I am five years older than her and embraced her like a little sister. We had a wide network of friends who ranged in age and the older people in the group acted as friends and mentors in all the best ways. Eventually, we all discovered this youth group at another church that was open to youth from anywhere. Our friend group grew larger. We were all very very active in the church. I started dating one of the musicians in the band. Marie volunteered for anything and everything, eventually reaching the point where the youth pastor was allowing her to preach occasionally. Our churches were both charismatic and evangelical, open to demonstrative worship, and Marie was in it. She would dance without abandon as the music played. She fit right in. When she was sixteen, Marie had two seizures and ended up in the hospital. They said it was due to stress, but no one called CPS to find out why a 16yo would have stress-induced seizures. On the day she was released from the hospital, I got a panicked phone call with Marie sobbing. "Can you please come pick me up?" I rushed out of work screaming about an emergency. When I got there, Marie was outside sobbing. Her mom was having a full-blown episode and had thrown Marie across the room for asking her not to smoke weed since they still weren't sure what had caused the seizures. I told Marie to go pack her things then told her mother, kindly and firmly that I was taking her daughter to come live with me and I wasn't bringing her back. Marie lived with me for the next 6 months and only returned once her mother was stable. Flirting with Lesbianism When Marie was 17, I started to hear rumors about her palling around with a girl who was known to be "flirting with lesbianism." Poor kid was missionary kid whose family was forced from the mission field when she was found with another girl. Marie, unknown to me at the time, was a lesbian and had found a small group of girls in the youth group who felt the same way. Marie's gaydar was and always has been amazing. I didn't care if she was gay. While my religion had taught me that being gay was wrong, Marie was my friend and I felt nothing but love for her. Eventually, they were caught. Their super religious parents all freaked out. Missionary girl was sent to one of those camps for wayward teens. Another girl was banned from speaking to Marie and the parents switched churches. The youth pastor and the church lost their goddamn minds. They had a serious "talk" with Marie, basically telling her that she needed to quit being a lesbian or she would be kicked out. The youth pastor started changing the rules for the youth group as a knee-jerk reaction to the Marie "situation." The things that Marie liked to wear were suddenly banned. Girls and boys, even same sex, were not allowed to be in groups of two. Older youth group volunteers (like me) were instructed to stand around inside and outside and look for any trouble. Confrontation When it was clear that Marie did not think being a lesbian was a sin and she had no intention of turning from that path, they had a big get together. I was not invited as I was just a volunteer and not a member of the church. Not only did they vote to ban her, but they also voted to shun her. Yes, you read that right. Shun her. They told all the members as well as all the teens who went to that church that they were not to "break bread" with Marie. They were not to hang out with her, talk to her, or communicate. They went as far as to say that if you bumped into Marie at a coffee shop, you were to turn your back on her. When I found this out, I was furious. I don't think I can describe how absolutely furious I was. I left Marie at my house and drove to the church. I walked straight into the youth pastor's office and told him off. I don't remember everything that I said, but I do remember telling him what they were doing was unChristlike, that they were destroying any chance of her even wanting to return to the church, and it was needlessly cruel. There were curse words, something that I rarely used at the time. My friends who refused who come over to my house because Marie was there were instantly cut off. I got in arguments and fights with people and told them flat out how wrong they were and how absolutely awful this church was for doing this. I chose Marie. I chose to love her whether I agreed or disagreed with her choices. I helped her move into her dorm room. I went to her rugby games. When she started drinking excessively and was booted from university, I encouraged her to get help. This girl had a lot of darkness in her and I couldn't really blame her for trying to forget. Our paths diverged at that point. Not because I didn't want to see her but because 1) I get really uncomfortable around drunk people 2) I was still sorting out how I felt about being gay and 3) I moved to another state and any visits home didn't include 4 1/2 hour road trips. For the record, a few people did eventually come around and apologize to her. But to this day there are still people who refuse to speak with her if they were to bump into her at a coffee shop. In my mind, those people are committing a far greater sin than anything she ever did. Watching from Afar But I kept my eye on her, reached out every now and then with a how's it going. I watched her go from a hurt and lost girl to a confident woman. And I always carried this guilt that I didn't do enough. That despite all my support, my religiosity got in the way of my support. That I had held back in giving more support because I was uncomfortable with her being a lesbian, which I was in the beginning. That's not how Marie saw it though. At the wedding yesterday as we were both about to do a karaoke version of Don't Rain on My Parade together, Marie asks the DJ to pause the music for a moment. This is paraphrased of course, but this was basically what she said. "Everyone. Hold on a moment everyone. I want to introduce you all to [my childhood best friend]. Many of you know the story of when I first came out. You've all heard about how important that was to me and how hard it was when everyone turned their back on me. Everyone, but this woman right here. This woman stood by me. Unwaveringly. I had never heard her a say a single curse word, but she said so many on my behalf. She went and told the pastor off. She lost friends because of me and did so happily. When everything was falling apart, she was there for me. She taught me what a badass looks like. How it may be hard to go against the flow, but when it is important, it is worth it. She helped shape me into the woman I am today. I don't even know if I would be here right now without her." My internal struggles aside, standing by my friend mattered. It mattered to the person who mattered the most here. She finished with, "I am so honored that she came to my wedding." And I said into the microphone, "And I was honored to be invited. Now let's sing!" In Conclusion She didn't have to say any of that of course and I was a bit uncomfortable with the attention, after all, we were there to celebrate her and her new wife. But I was also honored. She didn't speak out about anyone else like that. It also made me realize that in a way, Marie was basically my first foster kid. Honestly, we probably should have called CPS and taken her in as a kinship placement, but we didn't know. At least that way she could have gotten some mental health support much earlier. It also made me think about how I have always been, even at 19, a fierce advocate for the people in my life. Fuck all of those people who allowed a church to convince them to cut someone off for "sinning." That's cult level shit. And I don't put up with people who hurt the people I love. For those who end up reaching a point in my life where I genuinely love and care for them, I am a force to be reckoned with. My support and love is unwavering. I hope I get to see Marie a bit more often and I was glad to be there with her as she moved into this new phase of her life as a married woman and mom (step mom) to two girls. It has been a pleasure to watch her grow and fly.
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AuthorThis is a personal, but secret, blog archiving my deconversion from a Christian to a non-believer. Archives
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