“Well, you know I have really been struggling with my faith.”
It was the words I have been waiting for. “Me too,” I told my husband. Thus we talked for an hour about how I didn’t think I could call myself a Christian anymore. We talked about the definitions and meanings of atheist vs. agnostic. We talked about morality and philosophy. He told me how his views on the Christian religion have changed, but that he still considers himself a Christian. He said that he couldn’t say he was happy about the conclusions I have come to, but that it is my personal journey and he understands how I got to the place I am now. Also, it wouldn’t really change our marriage that much seeing as I am still the same person he married, just a little less god-minded. He did ask that if I am not totally sure, if I think that there may be some kind of spiritual realm or existence at all, that I call myself agnostic. I can do that. We talked about when we adopt whether I was still okay with raising our children in the Christian faith. No problem, I told him. I have nothing against people who want to believe in a God, I just can’t say that I do or that I believe it is the Christian God.
“If there is a god, what do you think he looks like?” my husband asked at one point. I told him that if there was a god, he was very hands off. He shows very little concern for the people on this earth and their suffering, only promising rewards after death. And when he does show some concern it seems to favor those who already taken care of rather than those who are truly in need.
We also talked about how I was raised in a very literal young earth understanding of the Bible and that has colored my thought process. I believe in evolution and have a hard time rectifying the creation poems in Genesis 1 & 2 with that understanding. And if the first pages of the Bible are just a myth then what else is a myth? It’s a rabbit hole that I went down and now that I have seen the light, I can’t go back to the way things once were.
He does think I should tell my parents, simply so they don’t bug me as much, but being the no-drama person I am, I am content to let them keep on keeping on. I like the relationship I have with my parents. It is solid. There is no awkwardness, no drama. Sure, my mom prays for me when I have a cold, but that is her thing and it doesn’t bother me. Even when I was a Christian, there were things that my parents did that really bothered me, but that is their personal faith and I’m not going to knock it. I just don’t see what would be gained be telling my parents I am agnostic and no longer a Christian. I am okay if they go to their graves thinking I am a servant of Jesus.
Of course, I am still on the worship team at church. We are moving in December and I asked my husband (not for permission, but rather opinion) whether he thought it was okay that for another four months I continue to volunteer even though I no longer believe. He said that he didn’t think it was a great place to be, but that there are sound reasons for waiting until we move and officially leave the church. This way I don’t have to announce to anyone that I am agnostic or why we are leaving. It makes sense to quit going to a church that is 30 minutes away. No one will question it or me. I can make a clean break without feeling too guilty or losing friends over it. Besides, I do like to sing, even if I am not really worshipping anymore.
So yeah. Now my husband knows. There were no tears, just a nice rational conversation. I don’t think my husband was surprised or disappointed although, as someone who still believes on a certain level, he wishes I had come to same place as him. I kind of feel the same way. I wish he had decided he was agnostic too. But I can live with this.
This is a personal, but secret, blog archiving my deconversion from a Christian to a non-believer.