Yesterday I found out that one of my friends died unexpedtedly of a drug overdose. I learned this through a text while just sitting down to dinner at a restaurant. Needless to say I wasn't good dinner company for the rest of the meal, just barely keeping it together, tears just barely held back. I still don't know about funeral arrangements or whether he overdosed on prescription medication (he was HIV+) or if it was something more insidious. He had had problems with substance abuse, mostly alcohol, for a long time. Despite this, it was unexpected and devastating.
Death is something I am intimately familiar with. I have lost so many people over the years that I no longer fear death. Everyone dies. Obviously the best way is quietly in ones sleep at 95, but rest assured, you cannot escape it. This is not meant to frighten anyone, but more just one of the sad aspects of reality on planet Earth. One can certainly try to create better odds of making it to 95, but there is absolutely no guarantee. As someone who has now attended twenty-five funerals, with an additional one coming up in my near future, I can also tell you that not all deaths are created equal. Losing someone who is old has often made me feel complete. I am sad they are gone, but the fact that they lived such a long life and did so many interesting things throughout it, make their death feel natural. It becomes a celebration of their life. Illness is it's own animal. Long drawn-out illnesses like cancer or althzeimer's comes with its own relief, but more because you are glad they are no longer suffering. That the pain that marked the last portion of their life is over. Losing someone to something like substance abuse or suicide is its own special hell, because you wonder if you could have done something more, something different. You wonder if you were a good enough friend. There is a world full of what ifs. Accidents, like someone being killed by a drunk driver or hit while riding their bike on the road, are jarring and rarely happen to the old. They come out of nowhere and often feel unfair. Their suddenness brings with it waves of grief that could swamp even the most steadfast people. Is there a worse way to die? Sure. But the sudden deaths, I have found, bring with them a level of grief that is difficult to describe.
Of course, being in a religious world, we are surrounded by the sentiments of the religious. You'll see them again in heaven. My prayers are with you. They went to a better place. God was calling them home. Even when I was a Christian I found these sentiments to be little comfort in the actual grieving process. Who cares if I see them again in the afterlife? They aren't here now and this is the place and time where I would actually miss them. There's a movie called The War that stars Elijah Wood and Kevin Costner. A fantastic film in which one of the characters passes away. Elijah Wood's character goes outside and yells, "Who cares about the stupid Lord. I needed him more than you did God. I needed him more."
As an agnostic atheist, I think death itself is probably a lot like it was before I was born. It didn't bother me to be pre-born and it doesn't bother me to be post-life. What does concern me is how I life this one life I have. That my funeral be full of people who, no matter how I died, will feel like it wasn't enough time. I wish people wouldn't believe in fairy tales in order to try and make sense of this very natural phenomenon. I wish they could celebrate the life that was lived rather than focusing on the mythical reunion they will have post-life. And I know that for some, this fairy tale is the only way they could survive the death of someone they love. It is what keeps them going. For me, my friend's life was well-lived because he was loved deeply. He may not be remembered a hundred years from now, but that is okay. It doesn't make his life any less important or impactful. His memory will live on as long as those who love him live on and then one day he will just be a part of someone's family tree. A distant relative with no children. And that's okay. Because while he was on this earth he mattered to someone and people mattered to him. I will never get used to losing the people I love and I will give myself time to mourn, but I am not frightened of death nor do I wish to assign meaning to it.
For the first time since I have deconverted and quit going to church, one of my Christian friends finally asked me how church was going. When I told her that I haven't been going, she seemed to not be surprised. I see this as good because I have been slowly trying to introduce these friends to the idea of me not being a Christian anymore.
The first thing she said that brought us to the question was when I told her our future son is Jewish. I've written about this before, but apparently this is the first she heard of it. So I explained to her what a Messianic Jew was and some of the controversy surrounding gentiles converting to it. "Well, at least he has a foundation," she said. For those who don't know, this is alluding to the fact that he has a foundation of faith in which my husband and I could eventually convert him to Christianity. "We aren't missionary adopting," I reminded her as I have reminded everyone who mentions this topic. "He can believe whatever he wants. I have some questions for him regarding his faith, but more because I don't think he even knows what he believes and is using the religion as a way to stay connected to his bio mom." There was a pause. And then it came. "So how is church then?" When I told her I haven't been going she asked if it was because I needed a break or just didn't like the church or what. I told her as honestly as I could that I needed a break and when life gets super busy, it is really nice to spend a leisure Sunday morning eating brunch with my loved ones. I know she doesn't agree. At all. But she didn't say anything more about it and the conversation moved on.
Baby steps. Let her wrap her mind around the fact that I am no longer attending church. If she is interested in knowing more, she can always ask. I probably won't tell her the whole truth right up front, but then I can let her know I am having some doubts. That my problem isn't with the church, but rather the actual foundations of Christianity. It may be another two years before any of that happens.
The most interesting part of all of this to me is that when it comes to these kinds of Christians, the idea that you wouldn't try to convert a child to Christianity is what would make you question if someone was still going to church. My sister-in-law just took in a teenager that they used to take care of in foster care years ago. One of the conditions of him moving in was that he attend church with them. He is a nineteen-year-old grown person who is being told that in order to have a home with a loving family, he must subject himself to their brand of religion. And that is expected. My Christian friends and family do not question this at all. So the fact that we will get a child of any age and won't attempt to indoctrinate them, is almost unconscionable. Don't we care about their soul? Don't we care about their moral compass? How are we going to build a community of support without a church?
I kind of look forward to the day when they finally put it all together.
Last weekend I had to spend Saturday in a mandatory foster parent training where we were reminded once again that we aren't allowed to spank and there are reasons these kids are misbehaving. The class wasn't horrible, just pointless. Before the class began I was speaking with another couple who we know from our Foster Parent training classes. As part of all of our licenses we have to receive an additional 24 hours of training in two years. Six of these hours can be webinar, but the rest have to be done in person. This is not a problem. My husband and I will hit 24 hours in April because we have attended two adoption conferences, two medical training classes, one 'don't spank' class, and one teen parenting class. It is highly possible we will have double the amount of training hours because we think it is important to learn everything we can and build our adoption community.
So back to this couple. They have completed 2 hours of training. That's it. Where do we get these hours? they asked. We told them about the upcoming conference on connecting with children. Another woman near us chimed in about how awesome it was and I quickly forwarded them the email for signing up. "I should let you know," I said. "The material is straight psychology, but it is religious in nature as there is a prayer and worship service at the beginning of each day. " That didn't matter to them, but the woman who had chimed in asked me why that matters? "Because not everyone is religious and some people may be uncomfortable with it," I said. She looked a bit confused, but agreed that there was no mention of the prayer and worship in any of the material. She then tells me that she actually knows the organizers and perhaps that should be added. "Yes. They should probably let people know that. Give people an option of coming later if it makes them uncomfortable or just acknowledging that not everyone who is invited is religious." She nodded before turning around and writing something in her notebook.
Let's be honest here. There are only a few reasons why a Christian psychologist who writes material that is purely evidence based would not tell people that their yearly conference has a Christian prayer and worship service.
1. They are attempting a weak (and lazy) form of prothelitizing.
2. They assume that everyone who is coming to their conference is Christian and their particular brand of Christianity at that.
3. They know that not everyone attending will be Christian, but can't imaging not worshipping their deity in some way and other people be damned.
4. They see the worship and prayer as an act of defiance against perceived persecution.
Now, having grown up around these people and I think it is probably a combination of all four. They can't imagine not having a worship service, but do assume that people who are attending are more than likely Christian. And if they aren't, then they should just get over it because they will not be silences. If a bit of prothelitizing happens while they are there, then that is seen as good thing. Of course, all the scenarios are also incredibly presumptive and self-serving. They don't respect other people, not even other Christians. Based on last year I would say these people probably attend some kind of non-denominational Evangelical mega-church. They are therefore not being very welcoming of Catholics, Methodists, Lutherans, Quakers, Episcopalians, etc. It's rude and presumptive and yes, something that should be somewhere in the literature about the event.
Better yet...just stop. Stop with the prayer and worship service. Focus on the evidence based approaches that have been shown to work. Don't assume who your audience is. Make it more inclusive so that you can help more kids.
In an article published on Faith it, the author (obviously still a Christian) talks to the church as a whole about why Millennials (aka young people under the age of 35) are leaving the church in such drastic numbers. At no point in the article does he address faith or loss of faith, theology, or denominations. His whole shtick is that young adults today want clarity, outreach focus, genuine relationships, and mentorship. I wholeheartedly agree with him. Of course, if you scroll down to the comments section it is full of Christians saying that the church doesn't have to change, that the church has always been the same and that it shouldn't conform to "the world", which misses the point of the article completely. These young adults aren't asking for the religion to change. There isn't even mention of things like homosexuality, sex before marriage, or divorce. It is asking the church to hold to the values and tenants of the faith they adhere to. Of course, none of the things he listed would have kept me in the church once I lost my faith, but this author makes a lot of really good points. Points that the older generation really doesn't understand and they are losing an entire generation of people. In my mind, this is good. It also causes problems because people aren't being challenged in their faith and so you end up in this weird world where people believe in a god, but in a non-defined way that allows for "spirituality". I have a number of these so-called spiritual friends and it really isn't any better than organized religion, except they are usually less judgmental and aren't picketing Planned Parenthood. They are still illogical and still think you are nuts for not believing in a god.
This made me think though. The author of the article clearly states what the church needs to do in order to draw in younger people. And obviously the older people aren't getting it. So here's a list of my own. One for the older crowd.
Ten things the church should keep doing in order to lose more young people and hopefully create more agnostics and atheists:
1. Keep the leadership older. One of the churches I used to attend stated that you had to be 35 and married in order to be on the church board and it was fairly common for couples to be on the board together. Single and 24? Forget about ever being invited to a board meeting. Your voice didn't matter. Many of these dying churches seem to be run by pastors who have been doing this for forty years and refuse to step down and even if they do, the older generation complains about everything the new pastor does. There are horribly vicious stories out there of old people ruining the lives of their young pastors simply because they want to be in control. You walk into the building and it is a sea of white and gray hair, and from their dentured mouths they spew their hatred of "modern culture", young people, and leggings. Who wants to attend a church where you are being judged the minute you walk through the door?
2. Keep finances opaque. I have attended churches that have been the full spectrum of open and closed when it came to finances. One church had a monthly meeting and quite literally broke everything down to the dollar. I knew how much our electricity bill was. Another church I went to though became angry when I asked at a members meeting if some of our resources were going into an account to be used by members who may be struggling financially. The Pauline believers in the New Testament clearly believed that taking care of those within their own community was very important. I was told that it was none of my business and they did not discuss such things with members. Also, I should trust that the board and pastor had integrity and would allocate money properly. As you can imagine...I didn't stay there long. As much as the older generation thinks we should just trust these pastors and church board members, the truth is young people read and we know that these people need to be held accountable. Pastors steal money. People get paid far more or less than they should. One church I went to paid all their musicians, people hired from outside the church, but if you were a member who volunteered for the worship team...you didn't get paid. That bothers me. It bothers a lot of people. I do my research when giving to charities to make sure that my money is actually going to the cause I am donating too. Why shouldn't people get that from their church? And why would you go to a church that is obviously not allocating their funds in any good way. Waterfalls in the foyer, coffee bars in the lobby, strobe lights and a fog machine...meanwhile some of your own members are struggling to pay rent this month. Not to mention, there are children starving in your city.
3. Keep ministries and outreach insular. "So what kind of outreach does your church have?" I asked a new church that I was visiting. They had a fancy building, a room dedicated to greeting visitors, and a bookshop. "Oh we have children's church, a young adult Bible study, a women's group called Tulips..." You get the picture. None. None of these things were actually outreach. Everything was geared towards the people who were already in the church and no energy was spent on helping those outside. Sure, they probably did a fundraiser once a year around Christmas, but that seems to be the extent of it. Young people aren't idiots. They read their Bibles too. And their Bible says they should be helping "the least of these". Well-fed kids in children's church and college students struggling with group think don't really fit the bill. Why join a church that's doing nothing? Might as well spend your Sunday mornings volunteering somewhere, mentoring a kid, visiting the elderly, helping the disenfranchised learn about something you are experienced in. It's a far better use of their time and dare I say, it makes them more Christian.
4. Keep groups segregated. Gender and age are the biggest divides in the church. Instead of matching people up with similar interests, instead we divide them into to the different "life stages" and genders. Youth group, college group, 20's group, 30's group, parents of young children, mommy groups, women's ministry, men's early morning prayer. For years I was stuck in these groups and can tell you that I made absolutely zero lasting friendships. I was interested in volunteering and traveling, but instead I would end up in a Bible study with other twenty somethings who had decided to read whatever the newest Christian bestseller was. Nevermind that those groups were so stereotypically tied into gender roles and societal expectations about age. Women's group activities centered around princesses, nails, hair, and being good wives/future wives. In my twenties, most of the groups felt like a bad version of Christian mingle. They were even separated out, single twenties and married twenties, at one church. Outside the church, the world doesn't work that way. I have friends older than my parents. I am friends with people still in college. Some of my friendships are with those of the opposite sex. I like it that way. Those friendships have more depth and weight than anything built behind church walls. Other young people are noticing that too.
5. Ignore science. Young earth creationism is still a thing, but with the advent of the internet, more and more young people are beginning to abandon their literal interpretations of the Bible. Not all, of course. My brother and sister-in-law are fully indoctrinated and attempting to fully indoctrinate my nieces and nephews. However, these students are studying science in school and then going to church and being told that all of it is a conspiracy theory sent by the devil to turn them away from God. And those young people are asking themselves why they can't understand science and also believe in a god. Some of those young people are in STEM programs. Would you continue to attend church when you are being told by the church that you, this good Godly person, are actually secretly undermining god and withholding the cure for cancer?
6. Blame young people for the coming apocalypse. Everyone likes to shit on the younger generation. It's a national pastime. Kids these days are just fucking it up for everybody. In the church, they take it a step further by suggesting that the apocalypse is coming faster and you can tell because...yoga pants and Harry Potter? Obviously, this younger generation has fallen so far from god that they are the reason things have gotten so bad. Of course, in their minds the apocalypse is inevitable, but it doesn't matter. Each generation is ushering in the end times with whatever new thing the older generation disproves of. And young people are tired of it. They are tired of being told about the end times that never comes. They are tired of being told that it's because of the way they dress, the craft beers they drink, the music they listen to, or the fact that they read other things besides the Bible. Keep telling them they are the reason the world will end...and watch them walk out the door and not come back.
7. Don't be a part of your community. I live in the Bible belt. There are quite literally 27 churches within 1 square mile of where I am sitting right now. There are four within walking distance of my apartment complex. Yet, I have never seen any kind of community event at any of those churches nor have they ever come to my neighborhood. And I don't mean to prothelitize. No community service, no active involvement, no neighborhood clean ups, nothing. If those churches shuttered their doors tomorrow, I don't think anyone from the community would notice or care. If you can shut the doors of your church and the only people it impacts are those who regularly attended, that's a problem. But don't you change church. Not one bit. Those Millennials will just have to deal with your lack of involvement or get out.
8. Don't listen. A thirty-year-old is a grown adult. Some have a spouse and children by then. Many are just starting their careers, buying homes, starting to travel. Others are single, but have begun saving for retirement. Some are immature and are just beginning to find their footing in the world of adulthood, after partying it up in their twenties. But all of them are adults, with voices, ideas, and opinions. And most are ignored by those running things in the church. I was twenty-eight when I traveled on a missions trip to the Dominican Republic. Before the trip, I told my group leaders that I spoke conversational Spanish and could help out sometimes with translating. I was never taken up on this offer. During the trip, during daily debriefings, I told my group numerous conversations I had with the locals (in Spanish) about daily life, food, marriage, and books. It wasn't until the last day of our trip, when our waitress spoke not a lick of English and I ended up ordering everyone's food for them, that someone said, "I didn't realize you spoke Spanish." That someone was an older gentleman and also the leader of our group. I was flabbergasted. This was the ultimate in feeling like you don't have a voice. Why had no one listened to me? Then I thought back over my decade of being an adult in the church and I realized that no one had ever really listened to me. And they weren't listening to my friends either. And I never dealt with that level of disrespect outside of the church. It was eye opening. I'm not the only one who has noticed either.
9. Continue to be a source of hypocrisy. I used to be so offended at being called a hypocrite, because I was super Christian. Pious to the core. Yet, I wasn't blind to the fact that we had religious leaders doing the very opposite of what they preached. As time went on I also began to suspect that due to the nature of non-denominational churches and a reluctance to speak against churches, there were probably a ton of cases that were just swept under the rug. As the writer of the article states, young people want genuine connection and genuine people. No, it isn't enough to say things like "everyone is a sinner" and "I'm not perfect. Only perfect in Christ". The problem isn't that anyone expects Christians to be perfect, but if your faith says that you are supposed to love your neighbor as yourself and then you preach from the pulpit about how much you hate homosexuals, or worse get caught in a homosexual relationship after preaching against it, people notice. My mother almost aborted me when she first discovered she was pregnant. Honestly, I would on an intellectual level, have understood if she had gone through with it. I'm glad I am here, but I certainly wouldn't have blamed her. Despite being in that desperate situation though, my mother is now so anti-abortion as to believe any woman who has had an abortion deserves to be jailed and executed for first-degree murder. That's a hypocrite and it is disgusting. There is no compassion or understanding, just a twisted sense of righteousness and pure hatred.
10. Don't give them a place to doubt or question. In the church I grew up in, studying Biblical archaeology and understanding apologetics were seen as extremely important parts of your Christian walk. But these were things to boost your knowledge of the Bible. Doubting it was a big no no. Questioning why God condoned slavery or whether David was really a Godly man were not tolerated. Questioning certain tenants of doctrine were also condemned, like wondering if there really was a hell. Those who strayed were preached about from the pulpit and prayed for in gossip prayer circles. Now, I was the kind of person who just kept going to church amidst my doubts because I had been reassured through years of indoctrination that if you felt far from God and just stuck it out, eventually you would have some divine revelation and all would be right with the world. Most young people I know left though. One of the more freeing experiences I had was in an apologetics class taught by a philosophy PhD student at MIT who admitted that on a good day he believed in a god about 90% and on a bad day, about 10%. I was twenty-five and this was the first person who admitted out loud in a church that not only did they have doubts, but they had them all the time, to the point where they could never say they believed 100%. This was the first Christian I met who I felt was being intellectually honest about it, in a way that none of the fervent believers of the past ever had. He is an anomaly.
I know what you are thinking. Why give these pointers? Why tell the church what they are doing wrong? Because it doesn't matter. They aren't listening. The minority of churches out there who are getting it right just aren't popular or big enough to rejuvenate the faith of an entire generation. All the flashing lights in the world won't replace genuine relationships and honesty. Most Christians want an easy religion, not one that actually requires them to go outside the safe comforts of their church walls and homes and actually do the things their religion asks of them. The baby boomers and Gen X'ers have no interest in changing the church. At this point they are just hoping that once the Millennials have settled down a bit, built families, get older, they will come running back to the church. I hope that never happens. I hope, just like in many European countries, our churches begin to shutter their doors and the beautiful cathedrals become nothing more than museums.
My friend, the "Spiritual" one, is very supportive of my deconversion, but is so convinced that there is a god that she is always trying to convince me that there is one. I know this doesn't sound supportive on its face, but she makes me feel the least judged of all my friends who know of my atheism. Of course, she doesn't believe this "god" can be known or that any of the major religions have it right, but still she believes. Also, there is still that Christian upbringing in there, twisting things up. Her most recent "proof" is that she recently made a big life decision and because she felt peaceful about the decision, then she must be making the right choice. A god of some sort is guiding her and giving her "peace".
This. Is. Not. Logical.
Firstly, this ignores the concept of psychology completely. If you have a job that you hate, with terrible hours where you never get to see your new husband, gossipy backstabbing co-workers, working with your biological sister who literally doesn't talk to you in or out of work, and you know you will be okay financially, it is probably safe to assume you are going to feel pretty good about your decision to quit that job. Even without anything to fall back on. Sometimes it is important for your own emotional and psychological well-being to remove yourself from toxic environments. Even if you aren't thinking about it logically, your subconscious knows that this is the best choice in this scenario at this moment and therefore you feel good about your decision. This does not mean however, that it was a good decision or that the universe/god/FSM is out there guiding your steps. This may have been a bad decision on her part. By quitting and starting this new job, she may have opened herself up to a different kind of frustration, ones that could be better or worse than the last one.
And what about those bad feelings? When I flew to Boston to start my Bachelor's degree, my stomach was in knots. I was fearful and instantly lonely. Boston was great in some respects and awful in others, but I don't regret my decision to move there for a second nor do I think I made a bad choice. In fact, it helped shape me in many good ways and that foreboding I felt on the day I flew away was justified fear of the unknown, not the universe telling me not to. Having a bad feeling about something doesn't mean there is a deity out there trying to warn you about something.
Intuition is also a very important part of the human psyche. Our brains are computers, capable of complex thought and algorithms. We can look into our future and project where we think we may be in a year or five years. It doesn't mean there won't be bumps along the way or things that would derail us, but if a big decision means that you can fulfill one of those life goals (like no longer working in retail) then you will probably feel good about that decision.
Another element that she is not considering are all the times she felt she was doing the right thing, ordained by god if you will, and it turns out she was wrong. Like deciding to go to nursing school and then not getting in after two years of intensive studying. Rather than try again, she just quit, even though she had been so sure three years earlier that this is what she was supposed to do with her life. Or how excited she was to move back close to her family, only to have them treat her like shit when she got here. Or dating a man who she found out after two years never got divorced from his wife and hadn't renewed his green card. The divorce was finalized and now they are married, and the green card situation looks bleak thanks to Trump. Those decisions that she felt so great about have brought both good and bad.
It's this simple. Having a good feeling about something is about the farthest thing from evidence of a god in my mind. Especially if those feelings are not 100% full proof. If every decision you had a good feeling about turned out to be amazing, I may put a bit more stock in it, but when your "at peace" decision was to quit your crappy retail job, I'm just not going to jump on the god bandwagon. I'm glad she felt good about her decision, but even if she was struggling with it and was instantly regretful, it doesn't mean that her decision was good or bad. If there is something to the parallel earths hypothesis, it is possible that in another universe she didn't quit her job and she felt at peace with that decision there too. Only time will tell whether she made a good decision or not. And that decision is on her.
Brother-in-law has left and none too soon. My husband, unsympathetically reminded me that he lived with this man for two years. I now know every modern actor, writer, and singer who is a Christian, born-again Christian, a "real" Christian, (apparently there is a difference between these three) and atheist. At no point did I tell him how little I gave a shit and not just because I'm no longer a Christian, but because such things don't matter to me. As a younger Christian I definitely avoided books written by outright and vocal atheists, but I also did not seek out authors who were Christian. I didn't scour the internet to find out a person's beliefs.
I did end up challenging him on three things besides the Girl Scout thing earlier in the week (see previous post). The first and silliest was concerning Danny Kaye. I have been obsessed with Danny Kaye since I was five-years-old. Yes, that means I was a super odd kid. Rather than watch cartoons, I watched Hans Christian Andersen with Danny Kaye over and over until I wore out the tape. I now own it on DVD. I have read interviews and books about him and love how his daughter, Dena, has tried to keep his legacy alive. (She is the reason one of his songs is in Fallout 4.) So imagine my surprise when my BIL announces that not only was Danny Kaye never married and didn't have children, but was also a rampant homosexual. When I challenged him on this he refused to budge. I ended up just sending him the link to the Danny Kaye Wikipedia page as well as an article written by his daughter that made it clear that he was married, had a kid, and the homosexuality rumors were nothing more than penny gossip, made up for tabloids and because he was a singer & dancer. Only then did BIL back down. Dude had absolutely no facts to back up his opinions, but doubled-down on the anyway because he is so anti-homosexual that even the rumor of it made him dislike this man. Let me add that BIL also stated that he used to like Danny Kaye movies until he found out he was a homosexual. No word on whether he will like them again now that he knows the truth.
The second challenge was when BIL declared that some celebrity was going straight to hell because they were atheist, even though they were born Catholic. "Depends on your theology," I said. Nope. Hell, he told me. Yes, I countered, but there are many different Christian beliefs. Some people believe that if you are baptized into a religion and go through some kind of coming-of-age ritual, you are good for life. Others believe that "once saved, always saved". And there are others who believe that a God who is a caring and just wouldn't condemn someone to hell if they were born in a Muslim country where conversion would be a death sentence. This is where my BIL struggles. He understands that the Biblical New Testament version of hell is wholly unjust. His obsession with Dante's Inferno is proof of this. He is desperate for a more fair system of punishment because the one he does believe in seems too much. There are too many really good people who go to hell, who will face eternal torture for just being themselves, he said. Then he returned to the "once saved, always saved" (because having a conversation with him is like talking to a rubber bouncy ball....all over the place.) He doesn't believe this of course. People who denounce Christ and aren't Christians anymore were never Christians to begin with. Now, obviously he doesn't know, but this pushed my buttons. Fuck you, if what I wanted to shout. Instead, I asked him about divorced couples. Did he believe that when a couple got divorced, that they never loved each other to begin with? Were they never really married because they are now divorced? (I'm coming at this from a Christian perspective for his sake. Assuming the husband is not a figmant of someone's imagination.) "No. But I know where you are going with this and you are wrong." He couldn't clarify beyond this though and quickly changed the subject. What I have learned this past week is that if he runs into a refutation of a claim that he believes that challenges his notions and he can't refute it, he just changes the subject.
The last subject concerns indoctrination and education. Of course, like any good fundy Christian he fears education because it seems to lead good Christians astray. Young people don't get out of group think until they are almost twenty-four so his solution to them being led astray in college is as follows: 1) Parents should indoctrinate their children as thoroughly as possible. Teach them about your religion. Take them to church. Send them to Christian schools. 2) Have young people join the military for four years. Here they will learn discipline, but since the military seems more Christian-bent they will be "safe" there. 3) After the military those young people will then go to college and at that point they will be so fully indoctrinated that no liberal atheist professor will be able to change their beliefs. I politely informed him that not only did my parents fully indoctrinate me, but I went to a very liberal college and at no point did any professor try to convince me that Christianity was wrong. The most challenging thing I got was whether spanking was abusive or not. That was it. I rejected many of my parents beliefs though because they were simply wrong. "Wrong how?" he asked. My parents taught me to hate and fear Muslims. They dehumanized them. They told me gay people couldn't love. They believed in the power of healing. I don't believe in any of those things now (all truth). What indoctrination means to me is the complete and total restriction of learning and critical thought. I think critically! he exclaimed. (I disagree, but didn't say as much.) But you are an adult. What you are suggesting is that we tell children not to think about anything outside of the confines of their particular religion and denomination. That they never analyze, question, or doubt. That they be essentially brainwashed to believe whatever their parents believe so that no other piece of information will ever make them question what they have been taught. Not even apologetics. Faith so blind that they wouldn't admit there was a wall in front of their face even if they kept running into it. That's wrong and dare I say, evil. He was actually quiet after that. And then he went off on a rant about education not being a right and we were off to the races again.
It was all so very very exhausting. I ignored about 60% of what he said. Made mmhmmm noises during about 45% and challenged about 5%. Most of what he said was offensive to at least one group of people. Despite his constant claims about not being a racist, I've heard more disparaging remarks and racist jokes this week than I have in years. And due to his social issues, I very seriously doubt he holds back when he meets people of who he doesn't like or agree with. Every now and then he would say something that made a bit of sense, but since his views are so extreme, they were never the whole picture. I need a vacation, but we are in the middle of this adoption process so that isn't going to happen anytime soon. Le sigh.
We are halfway through the brother-in-law visit and I am grateful that I can escape to work. I find the man to be very confusing on a good day. He expresses the love of one show and then when you ask him if he likes another one very similar to it, he loathes it with the hatred of a thousand suns. This guy loves Marvel and DC movies, yet refuses to watch Deadpool because he decided before the movie even came out that it was going to suck. It doesn't matter how much praise it is getting. And if he ever does watch it, he would never admit to liking it. It's like listening to a petulant child. Everything runs in extremes. He either loves or hates something and has an opinion about everything. He's also like those internet trolls on the comments section of an article, always turning the most benign subject into something political.
One of the more interesting things he does though is a constant attempt to legitimize the things he likes by tying it to his religious beliefs. I have an aunt who does this too. What this looks like is, when he discovers an author, director, movie, etc. that he likes, he scours the internet in hopes of discovering their religious beliefs. If they are professing Christians it raises the legitimacy of the thing he likes up onto a pedestal, making it worth more in his mind since a religious person is tied to it. Take the Divergent series for example: A young adult dystopian sci-f series that has been turned into a film trilogy. Three times now *Ford has sung the praises of this series and its "Christian message". Last night I informed him that I own and have read the entire series and there is NOT a Christian message anywhere in it. It is not a Christian book. They are books written by a Christian. There is a difference. "Well, it's subtle then," he said because he has never actually read the books. "It's not there," I returned. Her values certainly played a part in what she wrote (no sex scenes for example), but none of the characters in the book are remotely religious.
Of course, it goes the other way too. He openly sneers at "atheist" writers, which usually just means anyone who isn't a Christian. Even if he likes the book or the actor, by them being an atheist, they become less than in his eyes. He begrudgingly likes them as long as they keep their non-religion to themselves and out of their books. Total hypocrisy because this is the very opposite of what he wants from Christians. I mentioned this to my husband this morning and he pointed out that his brother is searching for affirmation of his likes and dislikes in a context that makes sense to him: Religion. He also pointed out that Ford has serious attachment issues and probably Asperger's and we should cut him some slack because his opinions are that of a forty-year-old man with no social skills. I think I am doing a super duper job of remaining cool and collected during these asinine conversations.
This morning I kept thinking about Tim Minchin's beat poem Storm and so I thought I would share.
A common complaint I hear from non-Christians when it comes to people who are pro-life is that those people are really just "pro-birth" and "don't care about those children once they get older". "If you are so pro-life, why don't you adopt?" They ask. Although I am sure there are some people out there who don't care and am myself a bit mystified by the right-wing complaint of helping take care of the poor and needy, I have found that most pro-life advocates really do put their money where their mouth is.
I write often about the adoption process we are in and have complained that the system is full of Christians. Those Christians are, for the most part, pro-life advocates who do care for children even after they are born. In fact, they make up such a large majority of adoptive parents in this country that you cannot ignore their contributions or the fact that they are carrying out their convictions. My sister-in-law is on a mission to get one person in every church to adopt, which will not only mean that all the children in foster care would have a home, but they will also all be indoctrinated into the Christian religion. I grew up in a church with a woman who worked for the Crisis Pregnancy Care Center, a Christian organization that could be seen as an anti-Planned Parenthood. She was constantly organizing drives for diapers and baby clothes and our church was happily involved, often taking young mothers under wing and guiding them either toward adoption or long-term care. I attended another church that had an orphan and widows ministry, where the group organized events for children and a weekly support group for the widows. Another church I attended had a soup kitchen, food pantry, Boys & Girls Club, and free music lessons for the people in their community. Even that crappy church I went to for a few months raised and donated $43,000 to the local Urban Ministries in their city. The last church I went to has partnered with the local elementary school for over two decades now to provide winter coats for kids in need, and more recently Christmas for families in need. Last year they provided Christmas dinner, gift certificates to Target, and presents for 26 families. This is a church with a regular attendance of fifty people on a Sunday. Don't tell me that people who are pro-life don't care about people once they are born. Again, there are always going to be churches and Christians who just do it wrong and they should be called out on their bullshit, but to state that anyone anti-abortion doesn't care about people would be a gross falsehood.
I have some serious issues with religion in general and American Christianity in particular, but don't call the Christians out for not adopting children, because they're already doing it. Remember these numbers the next time someone says that pro-life people are only pro-birth: Christians are twice as likely to have adopted than any other American hitting 5% rather than 2.3%. 38% of them have seriously considered adoption as opposed to 20% of non-Christian adults. Christians are also more likely to have large families and adopt multiple children. Christians are a bit concerned about the numbers of non-religious and homosexual families that are adopting, worrying that they will somehow be pushed out of the "adoption market", but this is what should happen as we move into a more secular future. I know that in my state though, we ended up with our adoption agency not because they had the most stellar reputation, but because they didn't require me to sign a statement of faith.
So my question for all the bleeding heart liberals out there (of which I am one) is, if you say you care so much about people, why aren't you adopting more children? I mean, my liberal friends are so quick to march for the rights of a woman to have an abortion (as they should), but the only non-Christians people I know of who have adopted did so because they were gay. I see atheists on various message boards "calling out" Christians for their hypocrisy, yet they don't seem to see their own and get upset when the religious tell them that they don't care about the "sanctity of life". I see their point. Pro-choicers seem to encourage abortion and talk about protecting people and having safe spaces, but it all seems rather superficial in the long run. Lip service and advocacy without actually doing any of the leg work required to care for those people, because the truth is, churches all over the country ARE doing that work. Those on the left seem content to let the government run programs to help the poor, even when those programs have been proven to have blind spots. Now, I know that there are several secular organizations who are working on changing that perception, but most of them are fairly new. Up until recently, the church and religious organizations (like the Salvation Army) have been a source of much needed care for the poor, needy, and vulnerable. I can see that atheists and other non-religious peoples do care about people, but they have a lot of work ahead of them before they reach the level that churches are at. And they must do that work. Because if we are to become a less religious country, we have to replace the work that those churches were doing or fall into our own hypocrisy. We need to create soup kitchens to feed the homeless, buy diapers for the mother who decided to keep her baby, and coats for all the children who cant' afford them. I'm sure that in every city in America we can find fifty atheists who could help provide Christmas for twenty-six needy families. As churches begin to shutter their doors and less and less people attend, the nones must not be content to let someone else take care of those in most desperate need.
I get the pleasure of spending the next week with my brother-in-law *Ford, a super super conservative ex-military Christian who loves Trump, hates the Girl Scouts, and thinks execution is the answer to all our prison system woes. Of course, I should also add that this man probably has Asperger's, was in foster care, abused by his adoptive parents, before finally being adopted by my husband's family. He doesn't give a shit if he is offensive or if you are offended. He bounces so quickly from one subject to the next that it is dizzying and is one of those people that can make any conversation political.
I made the mistake yesterday of telling him we had Girl Scout cookies in the pantry. "I don't eat girl scout cookies," he said loudly. "I don't agree with them." I did not say anything because I am the fucking master at not being sucked into these types of conversation. He barreled on though, "I hate that they teach girls about birth control and sex." Interesting. "So you are against birth control?" I asked, immediately thinking about the pack on my bedside table that I take religiously. No, no, no, he assured me. "I think parents should do that. Not the Girl Scouts." But, I remind him, you of all people know there are some shitty parents out there. If their parents don't teach them, where are they supposed to learn about it? He pauses for a minute and then glibly says, "Well, I have other issues with them too." So much for that line of logic holding up under scrutiny. Honestly, I may understand if you said, I don't think five-year-olds should be learning sex education in Brownies, but to say that the only people who should teach sex education to children is the parents is just stupid. That's how you end up with a bunch of teenagers who don't know anything about their bodies and who get knocked up because rumor has it you can only get pregnant two days out of the month or some stupid shit like that. Also, what is the big fucking deal about kids being taught about sex? In all likelihood they are going to have sex one day. We should be raising kids to become adults. They aren't going to remain children forever. Some kids are sexually active by twelve and thirteen (some even younger). You don't start teaching sex ed in high school. By then it is too late for some. Ideally, I do think parents should teach their kids about sex, but there are way too many parents out there who don't. What better place to learn about your body and sex than in a small group of girls, taught by a parent, in a place where they hopefully feel safe?
Anyway, so that's an example of the fun that is *Ford on a regular basis. It's exhausting to be honest. He doesn't know I'm not a Christian and I have told my husband not to tell him because I don't want to deal with a rudeness factor of ten. I have been conveniently trying to plan things all week with friends because I find my house less than relaxing with his constant off-the-cuff remarks that make me feel uncomfortable and frustrated. Our views are often diametrically opposed and he is unabashedly Islamaphobic (for lack of a better term). In his mind, because he was stationed in a couple of Muslim majority countries he is now the expert in Islam and what "those Muslims" want to do to America. I did glimpse a bit of hope though when he stated that it was important for Muslim immigrants to integrate fully into our society, but there was no mention of conversion. It's something at least.
Luckily, I work all week and have solid plans for Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday. And if worse comes to worse, I can always put in my ear buds and listen to an audio book.
As you probably are aware, my husband and I are in the midst of adopting a teenager from foster care. We are well into the process at this point with our future son having weekend overnight visits every other weekend at this point. We are slowly, but surprisingly bonding well and learning about each other. What I am learning about my future son is that he was raised by a person who had some clear biases in regards to homosexuality, race/ethnicity, and religion.
Currently, our son identifies as a Messianic Jew. His mother converted to Messianic Judaism when he was eight for reasons that are unknown to me. He doesn't eat pork and says he doesn't eat shellfish, but professes his love of shrimp on a regular basis. Beyond that, as far as I can tell, he knows little to nothing about the religion he professes to be. He doesn't know the difference between Messianic Judaism and Christianity (even though they are very similar). He doesn't attend services, prays over his meal occasionally, doesn't own any holy books, and has a general indifference to religion in general. Yet, he also clearly believes in a god, if for no other reason than he was indoctrinated enough to believe it. This past weekend when he saw we owned all the seasons of Big Bang Bang Theory he sneered, "That atheist show." My response? "So?" He repeated himself and so did I. "Never mind," he said. "We are just not going to agree." Now, I have not talked to him about me being an agnostic atheist, but we are clearly not super religious. I don't really care if he knows although I do have a nightmare scenario in my head where he gets mad at me and in order to get back at me and tells my parents I'm not a Christian anymore.
My issue with his Judaism is that it seems to be a leftover from his bio family that he is using as a way to still feel connected to them, not due to actual belief. I want to challenge him in his belief, not because I want him to deconvert, but because I want him to actually know what he believes and why. If you aren't going to eat bacon, you should know why and believe it. If you are going to make off-handed and rude comments concerning other religions or non-religions then you need to at least understand those beliefs. My mother taught me to view other religions with suspicion and otherness. Even though my mother watches Big Bang Theory, if that show had existed when I was a kid, my mother would have called it "that atheist show" because she thought everything was atheist if it wasn't pushing a Christian young-earth creationist agenda. This is why we didn't own a television for most of my childhood. I would also like to add that I have never heard someone refer to that show in that way and I have some super religious friends. That geek show is usually how it is referred. I know some people who don't like it due to how they portray Sheldon's mom, but I've not even heard them refer to it as "that atheist show". So I smell bio mom and step-dad. One or both of them hated that show.
Obviously I'm going to have to think of a better way to address this issue and a "so", but I also want to be careful. At this point in the process he is super eager to please and I must be careful not to tie this issue to our approval or disapproval. I want to challenge him to think critically and to understand what he professes to believe. I also know that as he gets older he will run into other people who are actual Messianic Jews and he is going to look like a fool if the only thing he knows about his religion is not to eat pork.
This is a personal, but secret, blog archiving my deconversion from a Christian to a non-believer.