I've written before about how intimately familiar I am with sickness and death. I've had friends and family die from old age, drunken car accidents, stroke, drug overdose, and lots of cancer. Cancer is horrible. The treatments for cancer are horrible. I've seen enough people die from it to know that there isn't a magic cure through a doctor or a god. Last night I learned that my aunt, only a few years older than me, probably has breast cancer. This is terrible news for anyone, made worse by her age, newlywed status, and the fact that he best friend just died of breast cancer three years ago. She is trying to find comfort in any way she possibly can. Some of the things she said to me last night: God will be glorified through my death. God will be glorified through my life. I think they already have a cure for cancer. My doctor is really amazing, but she wasn't very reassuring. I'm not going to do radiation, it doesn't work. My mother-in-law is a 15-year cancer survivor and she did radiation. I believe God will heal me. I don't know why God didn't heal my friend. I don't want to be a cancer survivor. This isn't a battle I want to fight. I tried to just listen to her. I offered one sloppy attempt at reassurance and immediately regretted it. This information is too new. She is testing out what "thing" will make her feel better. Being religious, she'll probably land on something god-related. Even if she is cured through medicine or surgery, she'll still give the glory to a god. I've seen it over and over again. Even on their death beds, these people will say that they know God is going to heal them. When my ex-boyfriend died of brain cancer, people were angry because his wife wouldn't allow any visitors who were coming to say goodbye. You had to believe, or at least pretend to believe, that he was going to be healed. No goodbyes. People were upset because they loved him and in the end, they were denied an opportunity to see him one last time because they didn't believe God was going to magically heal him. Side note: That widow is now an anti-vaxxer who does raindrop therapy and is a vegan. Watching someone slowly die of cancer changes your view of doctors, medicine, healing, alternative medicine, etc. You realize that doctor's are just people who make educated guesses, which, when you are dying, never feels like enough. You want there to be a bad guy, someone to blame for your illness. Some blame a devil or think that their "sin" created their sickness. Others blame Big Pharma or the unknown researches for holding out on them. "I would be better if only medicine wasn't such a business. Someone has the cure and they are just a money-grubbing asshole who is allowing over half a million people to die every year in order to make money." I personally, find the cure conspiracy theories to be the most ridiculous things because it shows an extreme lack of knowledge in how cancer works. Even if a cure was found for one type of cancer, it doesn't mean for all. For example, we do have a cure for HPV (a fact that many conspiracy theorists seem to ignore). Having a vaccine with a very high success rate doesn't seem to matter though because people still die of brain cancer, therefore all researchers are holding out on us. I also find this thought process personally offensive, because I have several friends who work in various forms of research for cancer and AIDS. They are good people. All of them are Christians too. There is nothing in the world that would make them happier than to see a cure in their lifetime and there is no way that they would accept a pay off if they did. When someone says that Big Pharma already has a cure for cancer, they are also calling into question the character of anyone (my friends included) who are out there doing medical research. There is a fantastic Humans of New York interview series at a children's hospital. One man has been researching the same child brain cancer for 30 years. It has a 100% mortality rate. This man has devoted his life to trying to find a cure. The heartbreak he expresses at not having found a cure and that all his patients die, is terrible. To look at that man and say that you think he is just holding out on you implies that you think he wants his patients to die. It makes him into a monster. Easier to blame a monster than accept that your body is frail. Sometimes our own DNA betrays us. Sometimes it has to do with our environment. It isn't anyone's fault. My aunt has breast cancer because sometimes, particularly as women age, some women get breast cancer. It may or may not be caused by something in her environment or some drug she has been taking. A doctor will give her options and it is up to her how she chooses to fight, even thought this a fight no one wants to be in. She can work with modern medicine despite its flaws or she can try alternatives which are a crapshoot at best. If she finds solace in a god, then more power to her, but it won't matter. Half a million people dying of cancer every year in the US tells me that this particular god isn't in the healing business. I love my aunt. I don't want her to die or be sick. I don't want to watch yet another loved one slowly succumb to cancer. There is a very real possibility that this could be her last Christmas with us. This makes me so incredibly sad. This could also be a quick surgery, one boob less, and she is on the road to recovery. But I refuse to play this game of make-believe where I think there are magical answers in either science or religion.
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AuthorThis is a personal, but secret, blog archiving my deconversion from a Christian to a non-believer. Archives
December 2020
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