The problem with sharing something as big as a deconversion is that you become hyper-vigilant to everything anyone does, particularly those who know. For the past few weeks, my husband and I have been tiptoeing around the religion subject, always with this uneasy truce between us. Or so I thought. Turns out that although he is having a difficult time with the revelations, it really hasn't added much undo stress on his part. He thinks about it sure, but he says that he isn't thinking about it all the time. Not like I am.
"I don't know what it is you expect of me," he told me. Herein lies the biggest problem. He has reassured me that he would not divorce me over something like this, yet doesn't reassure me that everything will be okay. He says I love you when I head off to work, but there is now this thing between us and he has made sure that I know this. He isn't being mean or anything, just ambivalent in his affection. This has affected our relationship, but in a way that confuses and saddens me.
What do I expect? I expect him to say, I love you. I love you and there are so many wonderful amazing things about you that make being married to you worth it. This is a big deal, but doesn't really affect the core of our marriage. You are worth it, even with this speed bump on life's road. It's not what I would have wanted to happen, but it has and I still love you. No matter what.
Even when I vocalized this today, he couldn't really say that to me, which makes me feel insecure and hurt.
Side note: He is definitely not supportive of me continuing to go to church now that I have revealed this to him. He understands my reasoning, but thinks it is wrong to continue to lead worship when I am no longer a believer. Even though there are only 2 1/2 months left before we move, he thinks that I should back out now and fade away. In my mind, I have to sing four more times, maybe five and then I am done. That isn't too big of a deal in my mind. So against his advice, I think I will stick it out until Thanksgiving.
This is a personal, but secret, blog archiving my deconversion from a Christian to a non-believer.