I am quickly approaching my two year anniversary in which I was listening to a sermon on-line, looked up from my computer and said, "I don't think I'm a Christian anymore." It was a statement that had come after nearly six months of intense Bible study, reading, praying, and thought. It would be another six months before I told my husband, a mistake I realize now. At the time this idea of no longer believing in the possibility of a god or at the very least admitting I didn't know, seemed so radical that I dared not tell a soul. I was still convinced that perhaps, just perhaps, one of my pious family members or friends would get a direct message from heaven letting them know that I had gone astray. I expected every phone call to be them asking if I was okay or to tell me that God revealed something to them. After all, these are people who claim a direct phone line with a creator and spoke often of their conversations. In fact, in the beginning of my deconversion, I prayed for it. "Dear God, if you are out there. If you are real. Please let one of your followers know that I need some confirmation. Let them know I am doubting." In the beginning, that's really all it would have taken. Not so much now, not after everything I have studied and learned, but at the time that would have been all I needed. And yet they remained conspicuously silent.
Approaching the two year mark they continue to remain as clueless as ever. Although I haven't told most of my super religious friends about my deconversion, I have also not been secretive in my thoughts regarding the church, inconsistincies in the Bible, the religious right, etc. My friends and family know that I haven't gone to church in over a year. I curse now and don't apologize for it. I have confronted people on ideas like slavery in the Bible, Christian Shariah law, indoctrination of children, homosexuality, and more. So far, the only assumption that these people have come to is that I am now more liberal. I would consider myself a fairly solid moderate, but I guess compared to a young earth creationist fundamentalist Christian, I must seem extrememyl left-wing. Obviously, at this point, I think these people are full of shit. I think the only voice they are hearing when they pray is their own. When they seem to have a miraculous word from god, it is actually their own intuition. They are picking up on people's (usually) not-so-subtle clues and then tell them what they "need" to hear. And their intuition is rather faulty because it rarely works.
The best part is, once these people do find out they will treat me differently. They'll claim I changed even though nothing about me as a person has changed. They'll claim they knew even though years went by and they never did. I've seen this happen a few times now, so I know this is how it will go down. My friend *Martin announced that he was an atheist and suddenly people were saying things like "I knew something was wrong when he moved in with his girlfiend" and "He seemed kind of sad lately, so I knew he wasn't happy" and "God told me months ago to pray for him, but I didn't know what for." Yeah-fucking-right. They didn't know. Sure they were a bit judgmental when he moved in with his girlfriend, but they didn't have a fucking clue until he told them. And then, and only then, did they find these magical changes that they hadn't managed to see before. (and God didn't tell them about) I know all of this, but I continue to be amazed by some of my friends' absolute cluelessness. And I will probably be hurt and amazed by their reactions once they find out.
For the record, I have absolutely no plans to tell any of these people about my deconversion. At this point, they will only be told if they ask. That said, I am not interested in developing new friendships with fundamentalist Christians unless they know up front that I am not a believer. There are enough secrets in my life.
This is a personal, but secret, blog archiving my deconversion from a Christian to a non-believer.