Last night I went to worship practice. We laughed, talked, picked out songs, and we sounded awesome. I played with the worship leader's children and recruited one to help write blog posts for another not-secret blog that I also run. I shared pictures of my dad's craftmanship with my fellow musicians. I hugged the worship pastor's wife and made plans to have lunch with her on Friday. And for 2 hours I forgot that I was lying to them, letting them believe that I am still a Christian and still worshipping in the way they are. For two hours these were just my friends, doing what we do every Monday night.
And then I got in my car and got a bit teary-eyed. When I leave the church would these people still be my friends? Would they abandon me if they knew that I no longer considered myself a believer? Would they be angry with me for keeping this from them? What will happen four months when I announce that I will no longer be singing, no longer coming to church? Will they just assume I am looking for another church or will it be obvious that this is a clean break?
For the record, my husband doesn't even come to church with me. He has such a problem with organized religion, although still professing to be a Christian, that he refuses to attend. So it is I, the agnostic, who attends church by myself. I look forward to the day when I am free of this, but wish there was a way to do these kinds of things without losing the friends in the process. Experience has taught me that these friendships, however real they feel now, are just friendships out of convenience and nothing more. And yet I still feel sad about it.
This is a personal, but secret, blog archiving my deconversion from a Christian to a non-believer.