Part of the problem with being secretive and yet maintaining a web presence is that someone may eventually figure things out. If my family ever stumbled upon this blog, it wouldn't take much to figure out it was me. But this isn't the only place that I have mentioned my atheism. I also have a Jezebel account and then there is YouTube, which I stupidly have linked to my very public blog. Now, I have it set to semi-private, which means that what I post on YouTube doesn't show up on Google+, but anyone suspicious can find it. And of course, there is the risk that some of the things I post comments on are things that my Christian friends may frequent.
I think this may also be an example of wanting to be caught. I don't like lying to the people I love, but I also would rather them stumble upon it, deal with it in their own heads, discuss it with whomever, and then decide whether to confront me with it. Especially since my personal faith isn't really any of their business and clearly I haven't told them because I think they will be super judgmental, hyper-critical, and/or mean. I do not expect them to be understanding. I expect massive amounts of disappointment and sadness as these people will believe, as their religion has taught them, that I am now bound for hell and eternal damnation. Some will try to blame my husband before asking whether he is still a believer or not. Others will look to blame friends or my intellect. My parents will feel like they failed. My sister-in-law will claim she knew it all along. Some of my friends will no longer be my friend. Others will try to re-convert me.
Perhaps it is cowardice on my part to not want all that drama to happen all at once. To want one person at a time to stumble upon something or question something. I don't like confrontation. I don't want to explain myself. Even my husband still seems unsure as to why I am no longer a Christian, often correlating my childhood and religious upbringing with my lack of faith. As far as I can remember, he hasn't really asked.
This is a personal, but secret, blog archiving my deconversion from a Christian to a non-believer.